Ice cream. Ewes scream. We all scream because there are angry sheep in this Baskin Robbins.
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Give one 6 year old $100 for its birthday and suddenly you’re invited to every party in town…I know what I’m doing.
My sex drive is disrespectfully high for someone that gets winded walking up stairs
Do the people who set the paper towel dispensers to only dispense 2 inches at a time not know that I’m gonna take like 27 of those things?
Daughter: Mom! I’m bringing Carl home to meet you guys this weekend
Me: I should warn you, we’re going to be nude this weekend
Her: What??
Me: Yes, Friday to Sunday with no clothes
Her: Why?
Me: We want to be naked
Her: Why can’t you just admit you don’t like him
Me: So naked
This cheap wine tastes like a fine full bodied Capri Sun
My friend told me that he climbed Mt. Everest and I was like, “yeah, but have you ever tried getting out of a waterbed?”
I’m fine with you not liking my tweets, as I’m adult enough to deal with it. Also, your moms a whore.
Me: I love holding your hands
Him, pulling at restraints: does it have to be behind my back
Her: Penny for your thoughts?
Me: Oh. I was just wondering if pears ever became sentient, do you think they’d have body image issues?
Her:
Me:
Her: Can I have my money back please?!
im the guy responsible for throwing the chicken in the air for fried chicken commercials. i will never reveal my secret method’s
My New Years resolution is to be more of an enabler, like yes girl text your ex
website: select a security question
me: ok
website: make of first car
me: nah
website: mother’s maiden name
me: nope
website: the number of ducks you saw that one time in camp
me: bingo
In a world full of rude people
be the person
that carries a slingshot.
They’re not called “butt hole mirrors.” They’re called “hand mirrors,” according to this clerk at Walgreens.
I think about this a lot
doctor: i’m sorry [consoling my family] he’s going to live
gonorrhea would’ve been a good name for a diarrhea medicine.
things i’ve picked my teeth with:
– pen lid
– unfolded staple
– aggressive licking
– a blade of grassthings i’ve never picked my teeth with:
– toothpick
“Oh my gosh, this is the biggest donut I’ve ever seen.”
“Mam, that’s a tire.”
“Kids, get me a napkin.”
[wife who bought regular paper towels instead of the select a size paper towels] what’s wrong? [me trying to clean a small to medium sized spill] nothing
cant be in the office one more moment, I have a moral, legal and biological obligation to be in front of a roaring fire going honk-shooo honk-shoo mimimimi
He always wanted a surprise gift wrapped up in a big red bow.
*carefully arranges shiny red ribbon around a wriggling porcupine*
90% of life is just having the courage to show up.
The other 30% is just checking the math.
Dad: I’m sorry sweetie, times are hard so we had to send your pony sprinkles to the glue factory
Sprinkles: *at the conveyor putting lids on glue bottles* this is some bullshit
Bartender: YOU’RE the guy that drinks from the soap dispenser in the toilets?
Me: [I try to say “NO” but it’s just lavender scented bubbles]
I hate when I accidentally blow all of my leaves into my neighbor’s yard.
[wedding day]
fiancé: I shouldn’t have let you pick the photographer
me: but he’s my best friend
[our dog trots up wearing a go pro]
No, whenever there’s trouble YOU seem to be around…officer.
I’m implementing a new policy in my house: any child who is awake past bedtime can either go to sleep or clean the oven, no exceptions
Please stop saying, “not all heroes wear capes.” It is hurting business and times are very hard here at the cape factory lately.