Went out to eat at a new place last night
Saw a couple friends I hadn’t seen in so long, I almost didn’t recognize them.
Slapped one guy on the back shook the other one’s hand and realized the reason I barely recognized them is because it wasn’t them.
My wife is still laughing
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If Jennifer Love Hewitt so much, maybe she should marry her!
SNL labels their bathrooms comic relief
Some parents sing the Clean Up song, but I just yell “I’m getting garbage bags you better hope you can pick up your toys faster than I can!”
ME: [deep in thought] it’s just so scary, u know?
HER: what is, life?
ME: [imagining an octopus holding 8 samurai swords] yes. Life.
If you put dry teabags in shoes they absorb the odor. So your shoes smell good but the tea tastes so bad it’s almost not worth it
Creator of Etch A Sketch:
We’ll show people drawing murals in the commercial but in reality most people will only be able to draw stairs.
My father-in-law spent the morning teaching my daughter Spanish, and it was all wrong.
3-year-old: Let’s play zombies
Me: OK
3: You’re the dad zombie, I’m the mom zombie & this is the baby
She tricked me into playing house
Only shaving the parts of my legs where the holes in my jeans show skin isn’t lazy, it’s efficient
I still have a landline…
or as I call it a
Cell Phone Finder
I broke up with a guy because he killed a horse on Skyrim.
Godzilla vs. A Floor Scattered With Legos
“This is wrong on sooo many levels” I say to my victims as I rob them at gun point on elevators.
[whale watching]
whale: can someone close the drapes please? He’s back again
Fun fact: it’s impossible to try to kiss your own neck without looking like you’ve had a stroke
Here’s one of the dumbest thoughts I’ve ever had: I got a coupon for a new car wash place, which was great because my car was really dirty. I noticed that the address was close to my house and thought: “Oh, this is close. Maybe I can just walk?”
I had no idea parenting would turn me into the kind of person that thanks their 4yo for peeing in the toilet but here we are.
Ok, ok, here’s the plan. When Bezos goes into space we move the planet so he can’t find us anymore.
It never worked for my parents but we’re talking some much further distance here.
Can’t believe my dog just ran into Petco and left me in the car with the windows rolled up
Me: *being pulled from my smashed car by paramedics & put on a stretcher*
My mom: WAIT! *running up to the ambulance, out of breath* this never would’ve happened if you drank more water
My daughter insisted she wanted a snowball fight in the dark so we waited till the sun set, got our torches out and ran around laughing and freezing in the garden. When I asked her if she’d had fun, she looked me in the eyes and said “no mummy, it was dark”
Not to brag, but I can unhook a bra using just a bent paper clip, some WD-40, and my reading glasses.
I just hope Matrix Resurrections ends with Neo teaching Agent Smith the true meaning of Christmas.
Inspirational Quote Of The Day..
The fall of Netflix
*waves arm in the direction of the lake*
One day, all this will be yours.
12: Are you threatening to drown me?
Me: Just make your bed, k?
Wife really liked the “sex anytime, anywhere” coupon I gave her. Probably should have specified “with me”
Add a touch of magic to your allergies by filling your mouth with glitter before you sneeze.