You know the sex is bad when you start counting how many bugs got caught in the ceiling fan, and much worse when you only make it to three
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Autocorrect just changed AC to autocorrect even though I meant air conditioning. And I thought I was full of myself.
MAN: [after being mauled by a bear] oh it’s just a scratch
MAN: [with a cold] omg i can’t breathe i think i’m dying
The existence of egg nog presupposes the existence of other, more obscure nogs.
interviewer: how’s your handwriting?
me: oh not bad
interviewer: what about the other letters?
The Fat Girl’s Guide To The Zombie Apocalypse:
If you see me running & there’s no ice cream truck in front of me..you should run too.
Guys, I had to book a flight for my grandma, and according to her passport, she’s born in February, not July, as we have always celebrated. Asked, she said: “Well, you can’t celebrate garden parties in February.”
O_o
Bread puns are on the rise!
Guys.You can’t make everyone happy, so just concentrate on me
me: the grinch robbed me! I woke up to iron my christmas jeans—
whoville 911: what was that
me: the grinch robbed me
whoville 911: no the weird part
You could make dinner for a toddler, or you could just cut out the middle man & throw away a plate of food and squirt ketchup on the dog.
The real reason Darth Vader cut off Luke’s hand was because he touched the thermostat
You’d be surprised at all the discounts you get when you come in swinging a sword!
Hi… So do you like really chunky lower legs and stuff? I kick strong!
~ Me, clearly not impressing the girls when I was in High School.
Got fired from the petting zoo for giving the rabbits birth control.
Sorry I missed your wedding, but Netflix just autoplays the next episode now.
I’m that aunt who laughs when my brother is scolding his kids and now we’re all in trouble.
🤣🤣🤣
I always keep a shotgun under my bed in case a horse sneaks in and breaks his leg
[at the gun store]
Me: I’ll take that gun & a box of ammo
Clerk: that’ll be $250
Me [with a gun & a box of ammo]: no
Damn boy! What’s your zodiac sign? Bc I think we should make that Sagittariuu into SagittariUS
Oh you’re a Leo? Le OH ..where are you going?
It has come to my attention that at this time last year I may have dared 2018 to “come at me,” and it did.
Dear 2019: I don’t want to cause any trouble. Please put down that broken bottle so we can get along.
The stages of sharing a vacation rental with another family are:
1. Wish we were more like them
2. At least we’re not like them
Just got your text from Saturday. Are you still being kidnapped?
everybody’s a toughguy until they have to use a screwdriver overhead for two minutes
Whenever I tinker with the idea of a having a relationship, I go spend a night with my married friends.
You’ve got some nerve
~my dogs, to anyone who walks by our window
I can’t afford a vehicle with wing doors, so I buy the Tupperware with lids which open that way.
the only thing i remember from my time in school is the teacher explaining to my 8yo self, the difference between desert and dessert. “you always want two desserts and that’s why there are two s’s”
Getting ready for work, Hank stared in the mirror and sighed. Assistant manager at Applebee’s might not be his dream job, but at least it kept a roof over their heads and put trash on the table.
doctor: are u sexually active
me: no i just sort of lay there