Guess an extinguisher wasn’t in the budget
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Me: I’m not the same person I was when you met me.
Him: we met six seconds ago.
excuse me, are you gonna finish those fries
me, interrupting a couple fighting
WE ARE CURRENTLY EXPERIENCING HIGH CALL VOLUMES. WE RECOMMEND HOLDING THE PHONE AWAY FROM YOUR EAR.
97% of scientists believe climate change is man-made and causes rising sea levels of oceans. The other 3% believe Frank Ocean is an ocean.
If by axe throwing, you mean throw all of my son’s body spray in the trash because he uses it so much, then yes I’ll go axe throwing with you.
Me: I’m feeling really confident right now.
Universe: Humble her.
Me – You almost ready?
Wife – Just a few more minutes. What time do we have to be there?
Me – Yesterday at 7.
What I say: Sorry baby, they were out of bubblegum flavored medicine…Grape, will have to do.
What my child hears: I don’t love you, never have…Now drink your poison.
Time estimates:
“Give me one sec” – Within the hour
“I’ll be one minute” – An hour or two
“I’m on it” – Maybe today
“In a bit” – Sometime this week
“It’s on my list” – Perhaps this month
“Leave it with me” – Possibly never
“If I have time” – Never
WIFE: Where are you off to?
ME: Shits & giggles.
WIFE: What?
ME: I’m gonna read funny tweets on the toilet.
why is Charmin trying to get us comfortable with bears? HELLO THEY EAT PEOPLE
Homophobic parents are right to be worried about their children turning gay after lessons about LGBT awareness. I lived as a Tudor wench for 2 years following a history class.
Dude tried to pick me up at the gym but I was like bro I’m dying just let me lay here
No thanks, babies. If I’m going to let something inside of my body that’s going to destroy my figure, it’ll be cheese, bread and booze.
So my drug dealer just died. I’m thinking about going to his funeral to, you know, network.
women will invite you to shower with them then cook you alive with a temperature of water you didn’t know existed
Alarm clocks would be much more effective if instead of a snooze button they just released bees.
Don’t mistake my kindness for weakness. Sweating and panting while trying to open this Amazon package, however…
For security reasons, I highly recommend that you leave one of your children home during the holidays to set elaborate booby traps in case of intruders.
My wrist is sore from holding onto a bowl of ice cream for too long but sure, I’ll help you move.
Son: I have to bring a giraffe to school tomorrow
Hub: *types in zoo coordinates & grabs keys*
Me: He means a graph
Hub: I GOT THIS HONEY
I want to be the woman in the neighborhood rumored to be a witch that eats children.
me: [makes a wish and blows out the candles]
guy sacrificing a goat: [massaging his temples] who invited this guy
[first day as a negotiator]
me: ok
OK so apparently “psychosis” is one word, and doesn’t specifically refer to my female sibling.
I really do love this time of year — the Christmas music, the twinkle lights, the woman in front of me in line at Costco who just told her husband, “We can give your cousin a pile of dog shit for all I care.”
can’t believe Skyrim is still $60. should come free with all computers like solitaire or pinball at this point
Ariel was a minor and couldn’t sign a legally binding contract. You’d think the king of the ocean’s lawyers could get that shit thrown out.
Genetics are weird. Like only 1 of the kids got my hair color but all of them got my husband’s inability to fully close a drawer.
The French really did the “this is fine” meme.