Nothing says “thought of you, and masturbated” like ‘liking’ a girl’s Facebook photo from 2009.
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Overheard at the coffee shop:
“Do the banana-nut muffins contain nuts?”
Natural Selection, I believe that’s your cue.
Ticketmaster: $55 per ticket
Me: ok I’ll take 2
Ticketmaster: ok that will be $400
at my age not even the shower wants to see me naked
Cashier #1: “Can I help you?”
Me: How long would it take to get a turkey burger to go?
Cashier #1: “About 5 minutes”
Cashier #2: “Are you Tony Hawk?”
Me: yes
Cashier #1: “Do you want a turkey burger then?”
Me: yes please, and an iced tea
Cashier #1: “Can I get a name?”
My buddy used to say “why should I wash my towels? After I shower, I’m the cleanest thing in the room.” He’s still single.
Atleast it’s not a pyramid scheme 🤷🏼♀️😂
I couldn’t remember my speech at a funeral today so I improvised with a magic trick and sawed the coffin in half
If salons offered free wine with a wax, Twitter moms wouldn’t have any hair at all.
[Screams into a dark wishing well]
“I want my coins back!”
SURGEON: hold on, i just need to YouTube this part of the procedure
PHONE: *unskippable ad plays*
NURSE: he’s dyin
SURGEON: ah crap, hold on
Remember when our biggest fear in 2019 was lettuce?
Me [all day]: tired
Me [1 AM & can’t sleep]: why is a baby ocelot called a kitten & not an ocelittle?
Realize this:
Anyone got any tips on how to conduct an exorcism, but like subtly?
Sometimes, I just want to be taken seriously. And sometimes, I just want to be taken, seriously.
“Mr musk we would like to use your fortune to help humanity”
*Elon Musk presses a button on his desk* “Just fired a boat into space”
“Please Mr Musk”
*presses button* “Now a banana”
“People are dying”
*presses button* “That one was a bear”
[gets a little voodoo doll of myself and makes it do pushups]
Boss: Don’t sit in that cubicle, it’s haunted by the ghost of Steve
New Hire: Prove it
Boss: DONUTS IN THE BREAKROOM
* the office chair spins around immediately *
Had a dream that someone was gently rubbing my forehead with sandpaper. Woke up to find my cat gently rubbing my forehead with sandpaper.
My daughter was worried that I would embarrass her on this college tour but that was before I showed everyone how well I could twerk
me: i’ll have the steak
waiter: this is a vegan restaurant
me: ok i’ll have the vegan
Guy across the road can’t get his truck started. Now he’s rolled up his sleeves. That’s how you start trucks. By rolling up your sleeves.
If someone tells me, “no rush” then I’m basically never doing it.
I’m no kind of intellectual, but my sister-in-law asked if “Edgar Allen Poe wrote the Romeo and Juliet book” and my kids share that family’s genes.
If a neighbor rolls up in a golf cart to your new house, he’s either the really fun neighbor or he’s your new HOA overlord.
“This is the ride that killed Jimmy.”
– me in line, loudly, at amusement parks
Only thing I miss about life prior to this pandemic is going to people’s houses just to eat their food and then immediately leave
This day sucked so bad I had to stop by the liquor store on my way to the bar.
1 kid: Makes you a mom.
2 kids: Makes you a maid.
3 kids: Makes you a manager.
4 (or more) kids: Makes you a magical freaking unicorn.
In 5th grade the boy I had a crush on called me on the phone and told me he loved me…then screamed April Foooools and hung up.
It took me 34 years but jokes on you, Chris. I don’t even like you that much anymore.