St Peter: sorry you didn’t get into heaven. your dog can come in though obviously
Me: [nudging my dog] remember all those times I got you into steakhouses
My dog: she’s my support person
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Our elf has only been here two nights and hasn’t bothered to move from her spot. We’re having a performance review this evening and if she doesn’t get her shit together she’s getting fired just like that good for nothing tooth fairy did last summer.
I’m throwing myself a circumcision party tomorrow, so anybody with a scalpel and a steady hand, stop on by. Jews welcome only with gift.
I’m eating quinoa for lunch so I better wake up skinny tomorrow because I’m not doing this again
Eye Exam Lamaze Class
Emergency
🤝
Dilated Pupils
Apparently, changing your profile to “Flirty, dirty and a little squirty” gets you kicked out of Christian Mingle.
I never had to swim for my life in a shark attack but once I had to doggy-paddle really fast to get out of a pool when it was dessert time.
COP: any drugs in the car
ME: no
COP: lol nerd
Bailiff: State your name for the court
Hr: Clara Sofía Alba Constanza Guadalupe…
Judge: That’s enough I want to get out of here b4 lunch!
HER: why do you hate every single Hugh Grant movie?
ME: i love love actually actually
Every work meeting this week
My confessional is just a list of things I’m willing to do for cheese
[on the train]
Conductor: Ticket please
Me: *hands it over*
C: Lady this is a speeding ticket
M: *sighs* That’s why I’m on the train
After all these years I still know how to make my husband moan loudly, I just ask him to do a chore around the house.
In France they call Mr. Bean Monsieur Legume
I have a huge advantage in Wordle because I have had the alphabet memorized for over 10 years.
[kneeling down to watch a worm disappear into a little worm hole in the dirt] godspeed brave little time traveler
Hey doofus, the fashion police called.
Your father died last night on duty.
He wanted you to have this.
“Slim fitting houndstooth peacoat*
It’s always the last 10-15 peanut butter cups that you end up regretting.
4yo: Why don’t brother and sister listen?
Me: You don’t either!
4yo: I know but this isn’t about me right now
my roofing company has gone bankrupt. I kept saying “this one’s on the house” every time I finished a roof, how could i be so stupid
reporter: tell us what happened
me: some BEEEPing motherBEEEPer crashed into my car
reporter: you dont have to say beep we put them in after
The emotional roller-coaster of catching the bouquet, then remembering I’m at a funeral.
My doctor told me to avoid unnecessary stress, so I stopped going to doctors.
[at the club]
*crawling around on the floor*
HAS ANYONE SEEN MY DIAMOND STUD MAGNETIC EARRING?
Wife: did you know there’s an “I hate Jeff” group that meets in the park?
Me: yes I started it I am the president
[police station]
I’d like to fill out a police report.
*describes myself to the sketch artist*
Been trying to get cash from my local ATM for a week but it keeps saying “insufficient funds.” You’d think they’d have refilled it by now.
saw five goats walking on their hind legs through the woods, is that bad
“On my way” I said, pretending to drive my bed.