[working at the DMV]
Me *covering phone mouthpiece*: a Mr. Godzilla wants to know if he can upload his photo or does he have to come here?
Boss: *sweating profusely*
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Of course I wear a mask. It came with the white van.
I caught myself whistling the Unsolved Mysteries theme while hiding a body.
Me: do you like bad boys?
Her: no
Me: are you sure?
Her: [covers her dog’s ears] okay yes
Me: I’m gonna get you dressed.
3yo: cool I’m gonna make it as hard as possible for you to do so.
Me: cool.
3yo: cool.
The neighbor woke me up with his lawn mower. I’m going to sit outside and play my recorder all day.
[restaurant]
WAITER: Would you like a booth or a table?
TERMITE: [handing back menu] The table sounds delicious, thanks
Thank you HGTV for allowing my wife to think I could rebuild our house over the weekend.
Pretty sure the inventor of noise-canceling headphones had a young kid trying to learn a band instrument.
Honestly why do I bother attempting this shit
Nobody talks about Dumbo anymore…
He’s irrelephant
[restaurant]
me: you mind if I go to the bathroom?
date: yeah sure
me: thanks, I prefer to eat in private
If you ever come across a bear in the wild, throw a tiny bicycle at him.
Then, just let his circus instincts take care of the rest.
[Michael Cera melting like a slug because there’s too much salt on his fries]
The police sent me a photo radar ticket so I sent them a photo of a hundred dollars, so I guess we’re even.
NOBODY:
GRANDPA: *posts ‘celebrity nip slips’ on Facebook instead of into a search engine*
Accidentally dropped a magic mushroom in my cats litter box & now he’s laying across the driveway staring at the stars & quoting Kierkegaard
Wow, the Fire Marshall really has no sense of humor these days.
Surgeon: I’m unable to perform this surgery. I’ve only got 10,000 spoons, when all I need is a knife.
°pulls up to drive-thru°
[ME] ONE NUMBER 4 WITH A COKE
[FREIND] aren’t you on a diet
[ME] oh yeah..AND A BOOK ABOUT MANNERS FOR MY FRIEND
Funny women are smart. Be careful.
before meds: i hate everything
after meds: *with enthusiasm* i hate everything
How does Moses make his tea? Hebrews it. I’m serious. That Israeli how he does it.
PRO TIP: If a girl in a hot bikini DMs you about crypto, ignore him.
Keep reading this tweet, I don’t want you to see me steal your donut
Bikini season is right around the corner…But so is Chipotle
It’s not a real relationship, until you’ve apologized to a locked bathroom door.
I am a vigilante zombie for that chocolate I think is hidden in the pantry. I will find you and I will eat you.
Oompa Loompa: When you die do we get the factory?
Wonka: No, I’ll just invite 5 random kids and murder 4.
Oompa Loompa: We need a union…
Instructions in the Men’s Room for hand washing. Because non-hand washers can’t be bothered unless there’s an opportunity to learn stuff.
My therapist keeps telling me to stop comparing myself to other people—that life’s not a competition.
Which, to be fair, is exactly what I’d say to someone I was trying to beat, too.