landlord: your income needs to be 3x rent
me: can you tell my boss that
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If you all vote for Kanye, I’m packing up Canada and moving it to Australia.
Crazy how women have the stereotype of being chatty when 90% of dudes have 45 minute podcasts that no one listens to…
my dog stole an entire baguette and hid it under her bed so she could eat it in secret and i am only mad bc i did not think of doing that for myself
Hamburger Helper only works if the hamburger is ready to accept that it needs help.
My superpower is scattering dogs by singing at them.
Kids: We are making you a Christmas gift!
Me: Oh, that is so sweet-
K: *pull out paint*
Me: You really don’t-
K: *pull out glue*
Me: Really, guys, I don’t need-
K: *pull out glitter*
Me: Christmas is cancelled.
When you’ve already coughed 3 times in class and you’re trying not to cough again
“Oh. Wow. Oh. Jeez. We didn’t think everyone was gonna bring a bag!” -airlines
“What state are we in now?”
-kids, 5 minutes into a 15-hour road trip
MEN: if your date is cold, don’t just stand there; be a gentleman and allow her to cut you open so she can crawl inside and keep warm
Bill Gates is giving 100k to help develop a better & safer condom. I don’t care how good it is, im not wearing a condom that says Microsoft.
I am a(n):
⚪️ man
⚪️ woman
🔘 unknowable entity in the deep wood
seeking:⚪️ men
⚪️ women
🔘 a morally grey companion to defend me from the wizard who has been hunting me for centuries
I don’t believe in all your ghosts, crystals and astrology hocus-pocus unless I have a shot at you. In which case, I’m a Gemini and, my god, your aura is transcendent.
“This race is over,” said Donald Trump, referring to the entire human race if he is elected president.
Every time I play guitar at home, my wife goes looking for a cat we don’t have.
Watching all these killer whales attacking boats is giving me an orcasm. I’m sorry.
I’m at the age where I consider any picture of me taken in the last ten years “current”
Man about to invent sparkling water: Water is so good but I wish that it tasted terrible and made me feel sick.
An 800 number calls me
ME: UGHHH!
The 800 number immediately hangs up
ME: (sad) hey
Me to my 10 yo: Why is your Roblox character so little? You look like a baby.
Her: Other people in the game think I’m cute so they pick me up and take me to their house then I rob them and run away.
Me:
The trick is to leave enough details online so that a determined mysterious rich uncle can find you but not enough so random murderers can.
Dentist: How often do you floss?
Me: Daily
Dentist: *Pulls fully grown centaur from between my 2nd and 3rd molars*
ME: make every guy afraid of me
GENIE: as u wish
ME: (a tampon): son of a
my 5 year old is in a book club with his grandma, aunt, and uncle, and they’re all reading stuart little. they meet on sundays. they call themselves the Bookaloes (Book buffaloes?) it’s the best thing
[new guy gets shown around the office]
Me: Hi, I’m Dave
New guy: oh are you the Dave who loves cycling or the Dave who makes up random facts in the hope nobody will check them out?
Me: no, I’m the Dave whose grandfather invented suitcases
extrovert: want to come out with us
me: i’ll let you no.
Courageously battles through my ice cream headache
Me: Go to school!
9yr Old: It’s Sunday.
Me: Go to church!
9yr Old: I’m Jewish.
Me: Convert!
It’s not karma, you’re just an idiot.
Imagine you discovered the ability to time travel.
You go 30 years into the future expecting to meet your future self only to discover that you’ve been missing for 30 years.