To the twelve people who are always liking my tweets:
Do you want something from the gas station?
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Keep the mystery alive and continue to surprise your partner by using chloroform to induce disorientation.
If I could have dinner with anyone, alive or dead, no question, I would want to be alive.
[unzips fannypack filled with jellybeans and some fall out]
Dammit
[bends over to pick them up and the rest spill out]
DAMMIT
me: my cup runneth over…
sperm bank receptionist: please take that off the counter.
it’s cool when my one dog shits the other one has to go and inspect it like “just as i suspected guys. it’s shit.”
Forgot the word “peel” when talking about a fruit and said “I skin the kiwi…” instead.
to celebrate the 30th anniversary of Jurassic Park we will be switching off 30 of the world’s most important electric fences.
[1st day as criminal sketch artist]
Victim: He was blonde had blue eyes, he was about 6ft t….
Me: I’m gonna need a longer sheet of paper
I really relate to the people in commercials who “didn’t know that.”
For someone so concerned with marriage licenses, God sure was focused on dinosaurs for 180 million years.
“Dad, these glasses make everything look much bigger!”
*Snatches glass and hands to my wife
Rich people go to parties. It’s what they do. And somehow we must all watch videos of it.
Quick! I’m doing my taxes. Is it normal to get $76,000 back when you make $60,000?
Crazy but not like defend my opinion of a roast beef sandwich crazy
Despite the newer research, many people are still afraid of sharks. We will call those people “the living.”
*puts “Baby on Board” sticker on car so people will think I’ve had the sex*
Me: How bout we head over to my place?
Her: Nope
Me: I have a dog…
Her: Get in I’ll drive
*reads recipe and sees “raisins”
Well, that’s not going to happen.
children are a fun way to combine the impetuous insanity of a dog with the murderous disdain of a cat
text from my dad when lebron broke the record
Never ask a woman for a massage. She’ll do it for 5 minutes, then somehow trick you into giving her an hour-long one. WIZARDS.
I called in dinner at a restaurant and Husband went to pick it up. These texts ensued:
H, “What name did you put it under?”
Me, “Yours.”
H, “Not a fake name?”
M, “Why would I do that?”
H, “Because your weird like that.”
M, “You’re.”
H, “It’s under you’re?”
Me, “Yes.”
*puts baby powder in a crib*
*adds water*
[My cooking show]
Me: Today we’ll be roasting a pig. Kevin, come on up.
Kevin: *crying*
I didn’t believe in miracles until I folded the laundry this morning and all the socks had a match.
You just found Jesus?
The rule is if no one claims him in 30 days you can keep him.
no one:
coworker at a part time job you’ve known for one calendar day: so remember when I told you about that guy I’ve been texting Brian well anyway I hooked up with his roommate just to see what he’d do and lemme just read you this text I got from him just now ok so he goes,
Me: I have a case of the Mondays.
Lawyer: that’s not a thing.
Judge: but it should be I’ll allow.
this kangaroo looks like it smells like AXE body spray
[Medieval Europe]
Knight: Ready the catapult! We’ll fling one of their dead soldiers back at them.
Me *the corpse*: Don’t call it a comeback!