People Magazine chooses Channing Tatum as “Sexiest Man Alive”. Do we really need the “alive” part or is the zombie vote that strong?
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I tried on and bought two pairs of jeans today without testing my phone in the back pocket. I don’t even know who I am anymore.
If I got arrested I’d ask for one tweet instead of a phone call because none of my friends answer their goddamn phones.
women showering in movie: slowly rubbing her soapy thighs.
women showering in real life: firing snot outta our noses like angry dragons.
Airport beers are great because it means you are traveling and also that you hate your own money
WIFE: Please stop.
ME: Stop what?
WIFE: Singing in the shower.
ME: What’s the big deal?
WIFE: You’re scaring everyone at Home Depot.
CHARLIE BROWN: happy thanksgiving!
CHARLIE BROWN’S PARENTS: wah wah wah
CHARLIE BROWN: I cannot believe you said that that’s racist
CHARLIE BROWN’S PARENTS: wah wah wah
CHARLIE BROWN: he’s not my President
CHARLIE BROWN’S PARENTS: wah wah wah
CHARLIE BROWN: I am too your son
I got fired from being the events coordinator at the local orphanage. I think it’s cause family day never really took off
Her: so yesterday, I was sweeping—
Me: must be the season of the witch LMAO
Her: ugh that is IT *turns me into a newt*
*buys condoms* So I just eat these and it traps the baby?
OMG, shoot him with a crossbow one time and he never shuts up about it.
It wasn’t even fatal.
*takes you to Starbucks to remember your name..
Laughing at your mistakes could lengthen your life. Laughing at your spouse’s mistakes WILL shorten it…
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘effusive’
“E-F-F-U-S-I-V-E”
That is correct. What was your name?
“It’s Siv”
I know lmao [hi5s other judge]
Humans will not be fully evolved until everyone achieves the ability to maintain a constant speed while driving.
[After 2 glasses of chocolate milk] Toys are so awesome. And bedtime isn’t even real
[5 glasses of chocolate milk] I’ll probably never get cooties…
[8 glasses of chocolate milk] I Can Do Any Subtraction Problem
Sometimes I need “Eye of the Tiger” playing to get me to leave my bed.
Madeline was one of my fav things in the world when i was a kid. I wanted to live in an orphanage so bad for fly outfits and to walk in 2 straight lines
Me: eats spicy Szechuan for lunch
My guts the next day: look, we’ve had this discussion before
So, is Dora 18 yet, or what? Asking for a friend.
here’s a life hack for you dieters out there. if you bury food in the ground and then dig it up, that food is a vegetable now.
Aoccdrnig to Ylae rseaerch, it deosn’t mtater waht oredr the ltteers in a wrod are in, the olny iprmoatnt tihng is how mcuh mnoey you hvae
Not me, making a fresh batch of no bake cookies because I don’t want the kids to know I ate all of the no bake cookies we made yesterday.
I actually enjoy homeschooling my kids. What’s my secret? I’m doing a terrible job.
My first landlord was murdered and my new landlord is potentially kicking us all out by selling my building…which is all incredibly stressful because there’s just no way I’m going to get away with it twice
To me the greatest mystery of scooby doo was whether scooby snacks were human food they fed to scooby or dog food they fed to shaggy
If I arrive wearing more than one hat it is because I could not decide & could not bear to leave one or more of them behind.
“I heard you were responsible for like 30 million deaths. That’s crazy.” Jimmy Fallon interviewing Stalin
[in the woods]
ME: [picking up a thimble] what’s that doing out here
A TINY MOUSE: [hiding in a log] this man has stolen my hat
If you turn the ceiling fan on high enough, you don’t have to sweep.
*taking training wheels off my old bike*
Mom: You’re not ready for this.
Me: I’m 37, Mom. I’ve got this.
*starts pedaling; hits a tree*