Her: Hi hun.
Atilla: [under breath] I told you not to call me that in front of the men. It might stick.
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Schrödinger’s cookie
Kids going as Batman for Halloween should not be accompanied by parents unless those parents are dressed as ghosts
I wanted to have sex with Uma Thurman until I saw her toes in Kill Bill.
fire doesn’t get enough credit for being inclusive. it’s always like “hey you wanna come be fire too?”
Cats that run under your legs display the same genius as someone walking into traffic.
She left me because I am insecure.
No wait, she’s back.
She just went to get a glass of water.
[being murdered]
Mailman: *murdering me*
Me: *being murdered*
My Dog: if only someone had indicated on multiple occasions that the mailman was bad OH WAIT
Oh really?! Because I see nothing in the gym membership rules that says I CAN’T just lie on the floor and watch tv all day!!
Who called them fake potatoes and not imitaters.
me: am I awake or dreaming
a giant dragonfly, setting down his tea cup: honestly idk what this is
oh shoot the farmers market was out of cocoa krispies and actually ‘never had them’ and they ‘don’t think I understand what a farmers market is’
“At least you’re going to get a lot of material out of this,” is comedian-speak for, “Sorry about your life, dude.”
She said she loved my personality, but I was drunk and can’t remember which one I was rocking.
I’m glad water isn’t explosive, because with the amount of half-empty bottles rolling around in this car any accident would be an extinction-level event.
(Writing in food journal)
me: for lunch I had sa………
trainer: (interrupting) salad. awesome.
me: sake.
Don’t buy a giant skeleton from home depot. Adopt one from your local cemetery
The iPhone 6 looks pretty cool, but it still lets people leave voicemails, so they apparently haven’t worked out all the bugs yet.
A company decided to stop paying its drivers, so one of them parked his truck on the owners Ferrari & left it there.
Her: I love cats
Me: [trying to impress her] me too
Her: what’s your favourite kind
Me: [panicking] uh…doja
My kid gave me 75 cents for being her mom, so either we need to work on math or I’m a really shitty parent
When someone reads your message, then never responds, it’s just hurtful.
I mean, what else could they possibly have going on at 3 AM?
grandpa: what do u call a dog in alaska
me: grandpa, no
grandpa: WHAT DO U CALL A DOG IN ALASKA
me: grandpa please
grandpa: A CHILI DOG
me: grandpa, I-
grandpa: WRITE THAT ON YOUR TWEETER
I used to be in a band called The Hinges. We usually opened for The Doors.
Birds are dinosaurs? No. I want dinosaurs here or I want them completely gone. I don’t need a bullshit imitation dinosaur to shit on my car.
‘I just need like two minutes!’
~me, lying
Your face is perpetually itchy now that you’re not supposed to touch it.
It’s science.
My only real argument for having multiple children is that the older one will eventually be able to help the younger one with Common Core math.
This guy next to me thinks I’m flirting, but really I’m just trying to see where he parks so I can steal his gas
[blind date]
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a customer service representative.
Me: Cool. Our date is important to me. Please hold. I’ll be back in an hour.
Accordion to current studies, 90% of you did not realize that this sentence started with a musical instrument.