Sorry, I can’t, I’m *busy today
*going to the mall to keep walking by the teriyaki place in the food court in different disguises to maximize the free samples
You Might Also Like
My mom [on the phone]: Hi I can’t talk long
Narrator: But she can. She CAN talk long
Who called it baking and not making love
Don’t worry guys, my wife just turned the car radio down so we shouldn’t be lost much longer.
A few weeks ago I mentioned toilet paper in a tweet and got toilet paper in the mail. So, here goes: dragons.
Accidentally used the dog’s shampoo today, and I’m feeling like such a good girl.
One time I fell off a 20ft ladder, then climbed right back up and jumped off a second time to show that ladder who’s in charge.
Why are the people with the most annoying laughs the ones that find everything hysterical?
It’s never a good sign when you tell your child goodnight and they respond “see you later”
*at reading of my will*
Executor: *opens envelope*
‘Ahem…’You selfish, bloodsucking little pricks…’’
You never really forget how to misquote sayings. It’s like buying a bicycle
Being an adult is like being a paper clip. Everyone knows you’re twisted, but you’re expected to hold a lot of things together.
At my funeral, feed me into a woodchipper and point it at the mourners
Fire inspector, “Do you have any enemies?”
Me, “lol do you have a pen?”
Me: Hey, am I too wrinkly?
Daughter: You’re old, that’s going to happen.
Me: I MEANT MY SHIRT.
Me: *buying a pair of socks and a pack of gum*
Kohl’s cashier: You saved $439 today.
Thanks for coming to my TED talk.
You didn’t say anything.
Yes, you’re welcome.
nature’s most graceful animal
My grandmother reached 100 yesterday!
That’s the last time I get in the car with her when she’s late for bingo.
I accidentally spilled water on the rice so I immediately put it in a jar of smartphones.
Every day I learn something new as a parent. Today I learned I can’t sit through my daughter’s violin recital without a desire to die.
When a killer makes you dig your own grave, throw the soil far away so he has trouble backfilling.
Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
Me: Because I’m black??
Cop: Sir, you’re white, driving 90 in a 30.
Me: Racist.
Cop: Get out.
I imagine dinner would almost be cooked by now if I’d remembered to put it in the oven
– a memoir
When buying presents I like to think, what would Jesus have got you?
So yeh, enjoy your fish sandwich.
Her: I want to have your babies.
Me: You’ll have to wait until they get off from school.
*puts on new Fitbit*
*steps on scales*
Welp, this is bullshit!
My astrological sign is KFC gravy
Someone’s 26 year old son: hey I love older women, older women are amazing I love that you’re older
Me: turns directly to dust
My dentist told me to relax, then got all judgey about me uncorking my wine in his office. He needs to make up his mind.
Captain Hook hated Paper Scissors Rock since he could only play Question Mark, which had no value in the game.