Wife thinks I bought way too many presents. Hah! It’s just one jigsaw puzzle with the pieces wrapped individually
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Sometimes I really want to throw paper at people. Brick shaped Paper. Made of brick.
Be a good dad
When your son wants to play catch, do it
When he needs a hug, give one
When he wants to play drums, tell him his mom said no
women in PHLEGM (Philosophy, History, Languages, English Literature, Geography, Music)
I’m not super into getting older but I do like how nobody asks me to help them move anymore
wife left me because I wouldn’t stop referring to bread as “acoustic toast”
Beethoven: hey everybody, this next song’s called “Für Elise”
Elise: omg, we broke up 6 months ago, get over urslf
B: SHUT UP ELISE I LUV U
you could’ve given me a million hints plus unlimited time and i would’ve never landed on “dua lipa and trevor noah are dating”
I say “correct me if I wrong” just to make people listen to me.
New exercise regimen: I can only sit down when my toddler does. So far I’ve lost 17,000 pounds.
I ruined my diet to finish the last 5 donuts in the office because my coworkers are on a diet too so yeah, I sacrifice for the people I love
WELCOME TO DAYLIGHT SAVINGS!!!! IT IS CHAOS!!! WANT A 6 AM GRILLED CHEESE?? DO IT!! TAKE A NAP AT 1 PM? GO FOR IT!! GET MARRIED IN GREECE AND INVITE THREE MEN WHO MIGHT BE YOUR FATHER?? YOU GO GIRL!!!!
Worm CEO cuts workforce in half, doubles productivity
a talented computer hacker can bring down any man, no matter how rich or powerful, by smashing him over the head with a brick
I called my 2yo handsome today and he proceeded to stare at his hands for the next 5 minutes.
since i quit vaping and drastically cut down alcohol consumption, my sweet tooth is out of control. i almost never ate dessert before and now im like ah yes the traditional 9am seven layer cake.
I had 13 items in the 12 items or less line, so I just put a banana in my pocket.
My friend can be so pedantic. I know that saying “Frankenstein” isn’t technically correct, but I can’t remember your baby’s real name.
The booster protects against what, now?
Don’t complain to me about gaining weight until you’ve outgrown a necklace.
Men, I’m going to let you in on a secret.
When us ladies go to the restroom, the very first thing we do is look deeply into the mirror and try to summon Bloody Mary. I don’t make the rules, it’s a fact. Second fact, ghosts are scary. So yeah, we go to the restroom in groups.
911: ‘911 what’s your emergency?’
Me *mumbles ‘I just got to the nursery and they replaced all the kids with PLANTS!’
911: *click
Tall people everywhere want you stop asking them if they play basketball:
hawkers unsubscribe page really makes you reconsider
giddy up Office Depot
It’s World Breastfeeding Week and, honestly, babies need to eat more often than that.
Sex with me is like a ferris wheel: slower than you hoped, full of clunky stops and a carny watches to make sure you don’t get off.
Oh, you don’t have a Valentine for Valentine’s Day? I didn’t have a groundhog for Groundhog Day.
Did you even think about that??
Not to brag, but I can usually tell if meat has spoiled between 4-6 hours after eating it.
I put my phone in “airplane mode” and threw it up into the air. It just fell and now my screen is cracked.
Worst. Transformer. Ever .