Calling out sick from work and then showing up anyway to establish dominance and confuse my enemies.
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Still holding out hope that these intrusive thoughts are just gas.
Me: *watches six consecutive hours of SVU*
Also me (brushing teeth for two minutes twice a day): Thith ith bullthit.
What’s with the attitude? I don’t know what’s gotten into you but I know what hasn’t.
friend: the bathroom is upstairs
me(drunk): wtf? *pees pants*
[tv interview]
did you get upset?
“that *beep* lied to me, she can go *beep* herself”
don’t do that. just curse and we will add the beeps
It puts the lotion in the basket. Then it calls the wife to make sure it’s the right brand so it doesn’t get the hose again.
BARTENDER: how do you take it?
ME: personally
*coworker drinks coffee I made them*
Me: I poisoned your coffee…
Coworker: WHAT?
Me:…with love!
Coworker: oh haha
me: The love for murder
took a DNA test and found out all my ancestors were also tired
I just signed up my three kids for bike and swimming lessons this summer….anyone know who I can contact about selling a kidney?
[speed dating]
ME: I like your hair
HER: OK
ME: And your teeth are so smiley
HER: You know this is a job interview, right?
ME: *rings bell*
him: would you like to speak with the pharmacist?
her: no thanks
me, first day as a pharmacist: *under the counter* ask her why tho
“Always wear a pretty bra. The worst case is nobody sees it.”
~ Not an old Irish proverb
So how long do I have to microwave this spider before I let it bite me?
You know you’re on drugs when you’re talking to your kids about drugs and you don’t have any kids.
Imagine falling in love with somebody and finding out they’re uncomfortable making the sex in an abandoned mannequin factory.
[3 days into dieting]
*sees ad for burger & fries*
*drowns in his own saliva*
*slowly releases air from a balloon during your wedding vows*
*walking into Home Depot for 2nd time today*
EMPLOYEE: back again? forget something?
ME: um, you remember if I brought a kid in here with me last time?
The worst kind of insomnia is snoring induced insomnia. That’s when every time you start snoring your wife shoves you awake…
He: “I’ll catch a grenade for you.”
She: “Prove it.”
He: *Plays Call of Duty*
“Microdosing is for the weak” I whisper as I backflip onto a centaur and skip off over the rainbow
I’m not stressed
me: the earth isn’t flat
fiat earther: correct
me: huh?
fiat earther: it’s the shape an italian car
me: what?
fiat earther: you read my name wrong didn’t you?
Stephen Hawking says artificial intelligence could destroy the human race. Sorry Stephen, but my money’s on LACK of intelligence.
Don’t buy Colgate whitening toothpaste!!
Label reads: Guaranteed whiteness in only 14 days…
15 days later and I’m still black.
I should probably do some housework before they try to film the next Febreeze commercial here.
AA Milne: Ok rabbit, we’ll call you Rabbit. Piglet, you can be Piglet
Bear: Wow, real original
AAM: [scribbles out Bear and writes Pooh]
I’m not scared I’ll end up in an asylum after a breakdown. I’m scared someone will record it on their phone and I’ll end up on a GIF.
*spits out coffee* VERB IS A NOUN