How to become a Saint
1: Become Catholic
2: Live an exemplary and pious life
3: Perform at least two miracles
Or…Just Be Kanye’s baby
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We do this thing at my house where somebody puts an empty pizza box on top of the trash can and then someone else puts trash on top of that and then another person puts trash on top of that and suddenly we’re all playing jenga in reverse
Have sex in the shower? I can’t even wash shampoo out of my hair without holding on to the wall so I don’t fall over.
*tides knock down my sand castle*
Me: [looks up at moon] now it’s personal [loads pistol]
Day 8 at home and my dog is looking at me like, “See? This is why I chew the furniture.”
My signature move is asking a co-worker wearing a suit on dress down Fridays, “how did the job interview go?” in front of everyone.
“Why did you leave your last job?”
-I had a typo in a tweet.
“Mistakes happen!”
-I worked for Yahoo Finance.
“Thanks for coming in. Bye”
Dating another woman, expectations: pillow fights in lingerie, suprising eachother w/ flowers, romantic baths, pride parades
Reality: passing the same cold back & forth, “are you wearing my jeans again?”, hair everywhere, “it’s MY turn to lean on YOUR chest!”, who’s bra is this
Memo means idiot in Spanish. So yeah, I’ve written plenty of memoirs.
little bit about me: i once saw Brad Pitt at a bar back in the late 90’s. he was smoking so i walked up & asked for a light. he handed me his lighter but i didn’t have a cigarette so i just flicked on the lighter & said “oh cool it works” gave it back & walked away
“Listen to your body.” Okay, my body wants to be fat and unemployed.
People: why do dogs bark at the mail man every single day
Dogs: the mailman has literally never gotten in how do you not see what I’m doing
Anti-carb diets are just radical groups of potato-phobes and spud-judists.
Ok, milk… Check!
Potato salad… Check!
Tomatoes… Check!“Sir, can you wait for the total and just write one check please?”
A recent study shows that 90% of all adults have a chronic or even fatal disease
The other 10% don’t use Web MD
I will straight up walk into traffic to avoid a kid selling something.
My phone just changed CrossFit to Croissant, this phone really knows me better than any human.
I’m just a Whole Foods girl on a Walmart budget.
It is possible to chew and swallow $80 of shrooms in the length of time it takes the cop to walk from his car to yours.
Today our 4yo insisted on a large bowl of Golden Grahams, banana, and milk for breakfast, so long story short, my breakfast was 99% of a large bowl of Golden Grahams, bananas and milk
This might sound like an off the wall question. But what do you think of parkour?
Me : Sorry Boss, I’m late as I had to drop my girlfriend at her college.
Boss : If you are late again you are fired.
Me : Fine, YOU can drop your daughter at college from tomorrow.
Why let people drive you crazy when you know it’s in walking distance?
No matter how much I mature, I can’t find a haircut that doesn’t make me look like a baby bird begging for worms.
*Makes joke on Twitter*
*5 Retweets*
*Makes same joke on Facebook*
*Loses job, girlfriend leaves me, disowned by parents, 1 Like*
I love how there’s just no social rules at the airport. Wanna sleep on the ground in public? Cool. A shot of tequila and beer at 7am? Right on, normal stuff. Also the dogs are cops.
Interviewer: it says here u have a number of skills
Me: yes that number is zero
not a total stranger telling me I’d “better find a man before all the good ones are gone,” on the same day Twitter announces a potential dating app. not today, satan