When you’re married, it’s important for you both to work on keeping the magic alive and chained up in the basement where it can’t escape.
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A sitcom about teen girl aliens called UFOMG.
never forget
Co-pilot: you need to let the passengers know but keep them calm
Me *presses intercom* how fun is swimming?!
My mother-in-law said that we should stay an extra day if it’s too snowy to drive.
SOMEONE LEND ME A SALT TRUCK.
Alfred: About your girlfriend Catwoman…
Batman: Yes, she’s a thief, but-
A: No, she pooped on the rug again. Right next to the litter box!
Guy on the plane threw a fit about sitting next to my Therapy Scorpion
you ever take a long hard look at yourself and think, “wow, i should really clean this mirror.”
Stop tweeting about what real women are and are not. You’re going to blow my secret that I’m a lizard creature zipped into a woman suit
I’m not saying I’m a conspiracy theorist, but I swear some of these typos have been planted.
This isn’t a bathroom. Go outside if you have to do that. GET THAT OUT OF YOUR MOUTH. Help me help you.
-talking to drunks & puppies
My pants embarrassed me in front of a chick again. How many times must I tell them that it’s rude to point???
[baby takes its first steps]
me in a cop outfit: not even close to a straight line buddy, you’re going away for a long long time.
Send prayers. Laura on Facebook didn’t realize she was out of syrup until AFTER the pancakes were made! It’s causing quite a stir…
I listen to Ed Sheeran in the same way I stuff an entire cupcake in my mouth over the sink hoping no one will see.
God: you’re man’s best friend
Dog: OMG! Love it!
God: yup
Dog: dynamic duo, partners in crime!
God: well..
Dog: two of a kind, 50/50! we make decisions together!
God: you live in a kennel in the yard
Dog: what
I start each day with a green smoothie. Wait, no, the bartender’s saying it’s called a “Mojito.”
just found out the nhs had my height down as 88cm instead of 1.88 metres and now wondering if my early vaccine was because they thought i was a short dangerously large man
Me: You sound like a broken record.
12:
Me: *sigh* You sound like a corrupted digital audio file.
12: Oh. Gotcha. Thanks for translating from ancient Sumerian to English.
Him: *whispering* you still awake
Me: *exhales loudly through harmonica*
I confused the spatula with a flyswatter is why that is floating in your soup.
Just show up everyday and be consistent.
Toddlers make it easy to do that especially when they come to your room and just show up in your face, silently, at 3 am staring at you.
Sometimes I think the human body is amazing, how it can fight disease, heal from injury, create new life, and other times it let’s me choke on my own spit.
HIM: we’re under the mistletoe
HER: oh yes
HIM: you know what that means
HER: yup
[both draw swords and begin to duel]
I’m an asshole.
Sent from my Apple Watch
My milkshake brought a colony of extremely aggressive fire ants to my yard. 🙁
HER: It’s a gender reveal party.
ME: To tell the sex of the baby.
HER: You have to stop calling it a sex party.
The kidnapper rang and said “£10,000 and you get your wife back”
“Negotiate with him!” advised the policeman
“£20,000 and she’s all yours”
i think a great bit would be if petsmart had just one big evil looking sword in this section