“Quick kid I don’t have much time. In 2020 they will release a super virus in a strategic attempt to wipe ou-“
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teacher: your son doesn’t think that 6 is a number
me: oh lol totally forgot we told him that
Shout out to my kids.
BECAUSE SHOUTING IS THE ONLY WAY THEY HEAR ME.
Remember that great stick you found that one summer when you were a kid? You carried it everywhere. The bark worn smooth with constant handling. It made the perfect WOOSH sound when you swung it hard. It made you feel so strong.
Man, I wish they still made sticks.
Imagine your relief if you had a dream your daughter was dating a DJ then woke up & remembered she was dating a ferris wheel operator.
BOSS: it says here that you’re too sexy for your shirt. Is that a typo?
ME: *doing my little turn on the catwalk* I’m also good with Excel
Ah to hear the music of the angles!
*Ubers to my parking spot at Costco*
Funny Quote of the Day: “If your parents never had children, chances are… neither will you.” – Dick Cavett
ME: check out this cordless trimmer
BARBER: stop calling me that.
“Where was you at?”
I was probably not skipping English class.
Not to date myself, but nobody else will.
you’ve heard of fomo now get ready for fobi (fear of being included)
[wife opens emergency kit after disaster] WTF THERE’S NOTHING IN HERE EXCEPT ENYA ALBUMS
Me: [trying to hide my shame] oh wow, whose are those
Sex so vanilla Baskin-Robbins names an ice cream after it.
I carry a bar of soap in my pocket so when someone tries to talk to me I can pull it out and say someone is paging me and leave.
No matter how badly you need the money, never take a loan from the gulls. They can’t be reasoned with, and they will find you.
You know you’re old when the “I’ve fallen and I can’t get up” ads aren’t funny anymore.
HE DRINKS A WHISKEY DRINK
HE DRINKS A VODKA DRINK
HE DRINKS A LAGER DRINK
HE DRINKS A CIDER DRINK
HE SINGS THE SONGS THAT REMIND HIM OF THE GOOD TIMES
HE TELLS HIS DOCTOR THAT HE ONLY DRINKS LIKE MAYBE ONCE OR TWICE A WEEK HONESTLY ITS JUST KIND OF A SOCIAL THING
OHHHHHHHH
If you tell me you’re giving something 110% then I’m assuming the extra 10% is your stupidity.
When you have a clap light in your bedroom, rough sex also becomes a rave.
Husband: We’re invited to a dinner party
Me: Did Agatha Christie teach us nothing??
The average parent spends roughly 2.7 years of their life picking up crayons from under restaurant tables.
I was only mildly famous in the ’90s but vaccinate your kids
AAA is king of the junk mail. Once a week I get an envelope that looks like divorce papers and inside it’s like “time to split… with roadside anxiety”
of course babies cry on planes, as far as they know they’re about to be eaten
Take one positive friend and one negative friend with you on your next road trip. That way when your battery dies, you can hook cables to them and start your car
*uses Oujia board*
SMELLS LIKE UPDOG
me: what’s updog?
NOT MUCH, DOG, JUST ABOUT TO POSSESS YOUR CAT
me: what
cat: what
If Michael Jackson wasn’t buried in his Thriller outfit, who will teach the zombies to dance in the upcoming apocalypse.
*KFC*
Me: how tender is the chicken?
Employee: [points to chicken crying watching the notebook]
Just how popey was the pope today?