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Guy: Why ride a rollercoaster when you can ride me?
Me: Because a rollercoaster can actually make me scream.
[eating paste]
Here’s what I think…
My iPhone: Face ID
Me: 💁♀️
My iPhone : hmm.. passcode
It’s been a couple of weeks, and the new neighbours have not yet mentioned the inflatable dinosaur in my window.
*finds another dead plant on patio*
[shaking fist to sky] I can’t be the only one watering things around here!
I bumped into a VERY handsome man on the tube platform and now we’re on the train together and i can’t wait to steal furtive glances at him until I get to my stop and do absolutely nothing more about it
My cat and I have lots in common like how we both cry when we’re hungry and both put our ass in the air when it’s being rubbed.
My 5YO woke me up this morning to tell me she’s upset because her 1YO sibling woke her up. Is this the circle of life I keep hearing about?
I only see psychics so that I can keep arguing with dead relatives.
I keep hearing about kids accidentally dying from trying to get an asphyxiation high.
What happened to drugs, kids?! We still have drugs!
[TI and his daughter at OBGYN]
doctor, to TI’s daughter: u have a UTI
TI’s daughter: a what
doctor: UTI
TI: no I’m TI
It was a classic Cinderella story: I walked into strangers’ houses and made women try on a shoe I found
[first day as a scientist]
Scientist: you have a budget of $1.3m
*2 weeks later*
Scientist: we need a progress update
Me [has blown the budget on an army of genetically engineered dog size giraffes]: wind is basically air in a hurry
Husband: How’s your diet going?
Me: *scraping cheese off his burger wrapper with my teeth* Fine.
🙁
There’s no bigger backstabber than my dog giving me away during hide and seek.
I TRUSTED YOU, FENTON, I TRUSTED YOU!
I clean my car less for me and more for any potential valet encounters
i hope that everyone who forgot to wish me a happy national boston terrier day yesterday spends eternity burning in hell
Was feeling particularly adventorous today.so decided to jump off a moving train.now hav to buy my nephew a new train set
them: it’s carl with a K
me: oh ok hi cark
“Listen, Barbara, I’ll be at my sister’s until you can get your shit together. Please don’t forget to water the plants.”
Oh, your kids sit down and eat dinner? That’s cool. Mine perform interpretive dance in the kitchen while their food gets cold.
Sorry I said “nice phone” when you showed me a photo of your baby.
I’m starting to think the guy that gave me directions to the train station was just talking to someone on his Bluetooth.
The secret to a fulfilling and loving relationship is mortal kombat
I have two dogs. One named Rolex and one named Timex.
They’re watchdogs.
Cramming a band’s whole discography just hours before a concert just in case they stop the show and start quizzing me
It’ll never work, we have very different definitions of words like talented, celebrity, amazing and intelligent.
ME: Im a secret agent
THEM: With like the FBI
ME: Idk its a secret
*calls restaurant*
Me: Hi is your place a kid friendly restaurant?
Host: Of course it is sir
*hangs up*