Funny how strangers who ask you to take a photo of them are always disappointed by your shots, as if they expect to find Yousuf Karsh leaving a 7-Eleven.
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had 2 glasses of wine about to text him “can I ask you something” and then turn my phone off til tomorrow
Top 5 forms of torture
5. Sleep deprivation
4. Dentist drills
3. Solitary confinement
2. Water boarding
1. Cilantro
My personal favorite unit of measurement is whether or not something is considered “a big whoop”
Her: you look great
My brain: say thank you
Anxiety: why does she hate me
Me: I have peanut butter in my hair
Quick! Everyone on Facebook is at church! Let’s go steal all their shit!
Sorry for loudly singing “Whoomp there it is!” when you took your pants off. It’s been a while.
Me: *deals cards* okay boys what’ll it be
Quarterback: i pass
Roofer: i raise
Telemarketer: i call
Optometrist: i see
Origami Artist: i fold
me: is there a doctor on this plane?????
doctor: i’m a doctor
me: my mom wants us to meet
Kid: Can we pleeease stop for ice cream?
Mom: What did I just say?!?
Kid: Don’t you remember?
Me: Why aren’t you in bed?
5: I need smooth jazz.
Me: Uh what?
5: I NEED YOU TO PLAY ME SMOOTH JAZZ!
According to the 25th Amendment, if the President is incapacitated, the Vice President becomes the executive producer of “The Apprentice.”
#Caturday
Thick as shit.
“People are acting crazy” says the interviewed shopper with the shopping cart piled high.
What’s it called when no one can dance but everyone dances?
A good wedding reception
Tell the guy at the first drive-thru window that you want the guy at the second window to throw your food into the car without you stopping.
Looking forward to the day when “having a case of Corona” means you’re going to the beach and not the hospital.
I hate it when I’m having a relaxing shower & the mall security guard screams “Get out of the water fountain” & “Put your clothes back on”.
Me: [has trouble opening up to people and making real, lasting connections my entire life]
My Kid: [makes 3 new friends and joins a gang on his first day of 4th grade]
this royal photo stuff… funny how you all suddenly feel like you have a license to talk about women’s bodies… newsflash: some women have zippers in their hair. some women’s legs are too small and oddly bent in on themselves. some women don’t have reflections
Not wearing glasses anymore. I’ve seen enough
Its not a joke, its a rope and I want you to put it around your neck.
im not pinning my selfies. forage for me like a little rat
I feel like I’m living in my own horror movie. But it’s like a B movie that will never get much traction.
Revenge of the Fruity Pebbles. Yeah, direct to streaming at best.
HER: what are you doing?
ME:
*closes page
*deletes history
*performs factory reset
*throws phone against the wall
nothing why, what’s up?
My boyfriend talks to everyone while I stand by quietly planning my escape.
“Apparently she had slaved over her homemade stuffing. At some point during the meal, her brother-in-law announced, ‘I prefer Stove Top,’ and it was then, from what we understand, that the woman snapped.”
-11pm news, tomorrow night
[first day as a bartender]
Customer: gimme a scotch on the rocks
Me [scrunching towel into glass]: I know lemonade, I can do lemonade
knock knock
who’s there
Reggie
Reggie who?
The Reggie-stry of sex offenders requires me to tell you that I just moved into the neighborhood
ant-man: im here to stop u
bad guy: [pulls out a can of Raid©]
ant-man: motherf