hello i have a very silly piece about hot dogs in the new yorker today!
you can read the whole thing here:
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If you try and fight South Park they will just turn around and do another episode about you. 😬
I’m donating my body to science. I’m getting sick of it taking up space in the freezer.
Everyone saying “Poor Steve Nash, he got hurt again”. POOR? That boy making $9,701,000 this year. If he poor, then I’m skinny.
I hate it when people who are younger than me complain about being old. They’re all like… well, I forget what they say, but it’s still annoying.
ME: (peeing in the corner of the elevator)
GUY: We’re not even stuck.
boss: you’re fired
me: [slamming fist on couch] you woke me up for this?
Friend: “Did you bring condoms?”
Me: “No need. If I’m drunk enough to talk to a girl, I’m way too drunk to get it up.”
What a kind woman! 😂😂
Wife: “I’d do anything for a cupcake.”
Me: “Anything?”
*drives to store*
*brings home cupcakes*
*discovers “anything” includes lying*
[if I was in horror movies, a thread]
jock: let’s split up
me: no
what’s the deal with “airplane food?” newsflash, jerry: it’s called jet fuel.
People telling me “Don’t be stupid” like I have some kinda say in the matter.
[At the police station]
Cop: can you describe the incident with this *checks notes* this Jabberwocky? Start from the beginning
Me: Twas brillig, and the slithy toves Did gyre and gimble in the wabe; All mimsy were the borogoves, And the mome raths outgrabe
Cop: okay what
I wonder if deer are sometimes like OMG THE TREES THAT SMELL LIKE MOUNTAIN DEW ARE SHOOTING AT US
*scream sings THERE GOES MY HERO*
COWORKER: you got like 8 hickeys. Must’ve been a fun weekend haha
ME (remembering not to talk about octopus fight club): yea it got pretty wild
did u kno that when a plane lands the first person to stand up gets to drive the plane for the next trip
Me: *clicks on YouTube video to learn how to do something I’ve never done*
YouTube video: In this 30 minute video-
Me: I can take it from here.
Sorry, package of toilet paper. I’m only making one trip from the car with these grocery bags, so you’re sleeping in the car tonight.
All I want for Christmas is you.
Buried in my backyard.
Toddler, sleepily: “A lot of people live in our house.”
Me: “Momma, Matty, and me. That’s all.”
Toddler, pointing behind me: “And them too.”
I turn to see an empty hallway. I’m 99% certain it was an empty hallway.
I only watch the groundhog festivities in hopes that Punxsutawney Phil will maul someone.
I hope they boil the right one.
watching new movies on hbo max makes so much sense. people are already used to being disappointed in bed
My mom always said carry a jar of pickles in the store when pregnant and throw it on the ground as a decoy if your water should break, but now that I’m old I carry one in case I pee my pants.
WAITER: Ready to order?
GIANT WORM IN TRENCHCOAT: Bring me dirt from the grave!
W: We cannot
GWIT: I HUNGER FOR CORPSE EARTH
W: Again no
Well it’s now clear to me that this crime scene would be considered, what? Pants required? Pants preferred?
Hey, is that guy dead?
watering my plants with Mtn Dew to recreate their native environment
Unless your vacation pics contain a shark attack please keep them to yourself.
omg we watched the muppet movie for the first time tonight and my 8yo says “oh, kermit! I like him because he’s from all those memes” as if kermit just appeared one day drinking tea saying but that’s none of my business