*deletes fb account*
*leaves social media*
*goes to Himalayas*
*pigeon comes with a note*
*opens note*
*candy crush request*
*dies*
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Spoiler alert: Your ’97 Nissan Sentra doesn’t need one.
I like my women how I like my government: open and unprotected.
me: i have a thought
twitter: are you sure you want to choose violence?
My savings account has been empty for so long that a Spirit Halloween just opened up inside it
Everybody want to be a gangsta till it’s time to go to jail.
1st date [dont let him know I’m a sponge]
Him: *spills drink*
Me: *starts twitching*
You raise a generation of overthinkers by telling them to put on their thinking caps in second grade, but never to take them off.
I went to the local art museum, I really enjoyed it and took lots of pictures.
But unfortunately I’m now banned until I bring them back.
We’re looking for someone to eat macaroni and cheese at the end of our bed while we have sex. No weirdos please.
Wile E Coyote: I can’t get rid of this headache
*TNT explodes*
*anvil drops on his head*
*bus flattens him*
Dr: it’s probably stress-related
If a cougar left her teeth next to my bed in a glass of water was that a tip? Do I have to change the water? Do I feed them like goldfish?
[Burger Lounge]
Server: Are you 27?
Me: OMG NO I’M 39 THANK U SO MUCH U MADE MY DAY
Server: I meant your order number, ma’am.
The inventor of the wooden spoon: this will change cooking forever
Italian Mothers: I can’t wait to hit my kids with this
I was in Tesco today & this bloody weirdo was following me around
“Can I get a umm…”
-every person ever at the drive thru
If you yell mosquito you can slap anyone in the face
Me, a millennial, weighing the pros and cons of two homes on Zillow I cannot afford.
Why is it that in horror movies, no matter how many times I shout at the screen, the characters never seem to listen? I’m trying to save you idiots!
Dracula had it right, sleep all day, live alone in a castle & explode into a thousand bats to get out of social situations.
[PAPARAZZI] Bugs Bunny is it true u were shot by Elmer Fudd
[BB]°sips drink° that’s ridiculous °water shoots out of holes°
No more questions
i’m gonna go out on a limb here and say that omg this branch definitely can’t hold my weight and yep i’m going down
Are you a sane person, or did you just ask a mannequin for directions to another department?
These aliens are smart. They only appear to people who don’t know how to operate a camera.
Him: Hi
Me: I bet you say that to all the girls
CEO: we need to cut legal in half
Legal: i’m the only one here
CEO: yep
Women! Can’t live with ’em, can’t sell ’em or Liam Neeson will find you and kill you.
Welcome to Wednesday.
If you haven’t had a meltdown yet today, one will be assigned to you shortly.
Bonus points for tears, flinging feces, and swearing in Polish.
Keep hiring mermaids, but they don’t clean worth a damn, the place always smells like fish, and they leave scales everywhere.
Martha Stewart: Good wrapping should only require three pieces of tape
Pivo: Bad wrapping can also only use three pieces of tape
Congratulations to all the people currently in a coma, well played.