God: you’re a mosquito.
Mosquito: what does that mean?
God: you feed on blood.
Mosquito: i’m a vampire?
God: no.
Mosquito: oh.
God: you can fly.
Mosquito: i’m a vampire!
God: no.
Mosquito: oh.
God: garlic repels you.
Mosquito: [happy gasp] i’m an itty-bitty vampire!
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*Hears a joke about a chocolate bar*
*Snickers*
When his teacher told us that our toddler is kind and sweet to the other kids in school I was so relived. If he treated other people the way he treated me he’d be in jail.
*me at Target*
“Hey baby, you want some of this?”
*offering to share my chocolate Twizzlers*
Her: *calls security*
~Flirting is so hard
People buying plungers never look like they’re in a good mood.
The first time I ever had sushi some of the avocado fell out and as I was talking I mistook the chunk of wasabi for it.
This pretty much sums up my life choices.
Toddlers will take your last nerve, deep fry it and eat it for breakfast.
i replaced babies in these pictures with hotdogs to show america what really matters
So, my wife did NOT appreciate her Yelp review…
[movie studio in the 2010s]
“This script stars The Rock as-”
Studio: WE’LL MAKE IT
Let’s throw this crap away, but first lets try to sell it
-yard sale
A dating app for angry people- Grumble
BRUCE LEE: Be formless, shapeless, like water.
HARPER LEE: Things are never as bad as they seem.
PARSLEY: I am a stalk vegetable.
I hate corporate lingo. Stuff like “core competency” or “design out the problem” or “I’m gonna need you to go ahead and do some work today”
*locks hands with stranger in elevator*
im nervous, this is my first time flying
My ex once told me that she still had feelings for me but then clarified that they were all negative ones
Legend has it there are 13 ways to have sex. So far, all I’ve found is 1 and it wasn’t even that great since all we used was my imagination.
My boss: There are no stupid questions
Me: Do people get discounted manicures if they’re missing a finger?
My boss: I’m going home early
Don’t let anyone tell you that The Godfather isn’t an extremely effective parenting manual.
Fun Fact: If you wear scrubs, people will tell you all kinds of unsolicited and disgusting problems.
I get pissed if Alexa doesn’t understand my commands with a mouthful of mashed potatoes.
[Fear Factor]
HOST: and the first contestant to touch the puppy in front of them will be sent home
*camera pans to me already holding puppy*
“Let’s walk over there” “ok” -couple a cows
Once a toddler learns “why?” It’s all over
*someone at next table says “BFFs”*
ME (peering over back of booth): BFsF.
A guy sat 6 feet across from me and tried to hit on me. I said, “what? I can’t hear you.” he goes, “Awww man!! Coronavirus be killing my game!!!” and left defeated.
I’m at my most superstitious when there’s no wood in sight so I knock on paper three times. Hey, it’s made from trees and I don’t want to jinx myself.
That awkward moment when mom says 3 is the perfect number of kids to have, but you’re her 4th
6 (7:30am): Why is it so dark, isn’t it morning?
Me: Yeah buddy (explanation of the first day of winter, shortest day of the year, winter solstice)
(Later, 4:30pm)
6: Why is it so dark, is it bedtime?
Me: No, remember it’s…ummmm, yeah it’s bedtime. Are you tired!?
10 y/o made her own chores list and after doing the dishes, she said she couldn’t believe we do them every day so I patted her on the head and said, “wait until you hear about this thing called laundry.”
ME: we should do this agai-
DATE: im busy that day