When I left for work this morning, the dog begged me to stay and the cat handed me my keys.
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Today I want to talk about how someone (the neighbor’s daughter) screamed so loudly about getting a new car (happy birthday) we thought someone was being murdered.
Chicago pizzerias be like hi would you like a slice of soup?
Me: “I don’t make everything sexual”
*plugs phone into charger*
“You like that huh?”
*son walks in as mom hides her urban dictionary word-of-the-day calendar*
Mom: How was school?
Son: ok
Mom: Had a real trill lunch with Nona
Kraken: “I like to renew my tenancy.”
Landlord: “Re-lease the Kraken!”
#KrakenDay #RubbishDay
I got this box of water on my flight last night. It is not better. It tastes like a petting zoo
When I was having an affair with twins, people used to ask how I told them apart. Well, Sue had brown eyes and Steve had a moustache.
Ok so all of our kids get excuse notes for school tomorrow whether in person or online right?
“I’m sorry I’m late, my parents were drinking stuff and yelling at the TV all night”
Why is a good book described as a real page turner?
That’s my minimum requirement in a book
Pages that turn
my mom yesterday: do u work tomorrow
me: yes
my mom today: do u work today
me: yes i already told u
my mom when i’m at work: where are u
The Turkey took our temperature before he would come out of the oven!!!
no, babe. i haven’t seen your glasses.
Little known fact: Arizona’s state flower is pavement.
same bro
The Rock is always beating people up in movies & yet no one has thought to throw a ream of paper at him
Sometimes I think my neighbor down the street has pretty good taste when it comes to suits, as I try one on. At other times I think he needs a better home security system
As a responsible parent, I gave my kids a healthy breakfast of strawberries w/ milk & a little sugar…
frozen.
OK IT WAS ICE CREAM!
FitFam?
[lying voice] oh my god sorry i JUST saw this
M: The boss left a memo on my desk again about how awesome I am.
H: You’re a stay-at-home mom.
M: Yes, which explains my handwriting.
“I wonder what’s on tv right now,” he thought 2002ishly.
With the rubber gloves, face masks, face shields, condoms, and smell of Lysol…sex isn’t as fun as it used to be.
I’m looking for a structural engineer to place my house atop a giant pair of chicken legs so when the weather forecast is bad my house can just run away to somewhere more pleasant
never under-estimate the power of getting a new phone number
Kids whispering in other room: “Hey do you dare me to…”
Me: NO!
No thanks, free health assessment. I don’t want to know what I’m doing to my body
Him: When was the last time a man held a car door open for you?
“When I was arrested” is not the best answer, apparently
Ever notice how loud the sound of opening a beer can at work is?
I always fear that oneday I will enter my house and find a thief, knocked out unconscious by the things fallen on his head from some closet
[funeral]
WIDOW: thank you for coming
ME: are you kidding, I love funerals
It’s OK, batteries…no one includes me either.