It’s normal for married couples to fight. The trick is for you and your spouse to find a couple you can easily beat up.
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I was 16 when I first saw a dream-catcher, but back then everyone called them school careers advisors
If you wear your old prom dress to the pharmacy, they’ll fill your antidepressants faster.
GUY WHO JUST INVENTED DOORS: Now it’s easy to get inside!
GUY WHO’S ABOUT TO INVENT LOCKS: But what if it’s *too* easy?
[Home Depot]
Me: I’ll take your finest home
*All surrounding dads tear up with joy*
[any medication commercial]
good news, we have something that will likely make things worse for you
I’m pretty sure the coupon I gave you for a $7 haircut suggests that I’m not interested in that $44 bottle of shampoo, but thank you.
Pizza won’t solve your problems but you gotta try something.
EAT YOUR VEGETABLES!
-a mother who hasn’t eaten a vegetable that isn’t a potato in the last year.
Buy your kids a tortoise. Then when you’re elderly, they’ll already have 40 years’ experience feeding & loving something that barely moves
From what I can piece together, this Pitbull character enjoys “partying”
[1st date]
HER: I’m really into PETA
ME: [trying to impress] I love dipping it in hummus
ever get so drunk you discover the next day you’ve legally changed your name to celine dion?
unrelated—anyone know how to legally unchange your name?
dm celine dion, please.
The person who named Red Delicious apples should never be allowed to name anything again.
Walmart is fun because all the workers know nothing except for the one who knows everything and your job is to figure out which one that magic worker is
Make new friends? bro out of what?
Regular naps prevent old age, especially if you take them while driving…
jeff bezos can’t become a trillionaire if he gets eaten by a whale
before coffee: don’t talk to me
after coffee: please don’t talk to me
Me- owns 2 pairs of pants
My 8 month old, who has no where to go-
My mom has a podcast but you can only hear it if you have the password to my voicemail
Marty: I know you want a sandwich Doc but this is crazy
Doc Brown: a loaf of bread only cost 18 cents in 1955 Marty, we have to go back
Marty: it’s just bread
Doc Brown: it’s only 18 cents, come ogle your mother
Marty: what?
Doc Brown: what, what?
Friend: Our backstories shape us, but don’t define us
Me: Like Spanx
Digital security in Ancient Troy
Having sex with the same person for the rest of your life is like always running the same route. You know every peak, every dip, when to go hard, when to slow down. You know how to pace it and always know when the end is near. But a new route? No thanks. There might be bees. BEES
My friend asked if I had any “potential suiters.”
Sitting here in a petticoat, corset, twirling a parasol, drinking sweet tea, waiting…
*My parents at my birth*
Mom: she’s beautiful
Dad: she’s perfect.
Precognitive doctor: One day she will have a “top three” monkey gifs.
cow = cattle
farmer = cattler
rennet = catalyst
*rennet is an enzyme in cows’ stomachs that helps turn milk into cheese- this is a fast, faster, fastest pun and I just really want you to like me
My roommate wants to have sex with me so bad. I don’t think he understands how marriage works.
You’re not officially a teacher unless someone you live with has told you that they’re not one of the children in your class and you can’t speak to them like that.
Airbags should deploy in the form of balloon animals. Sure, you’ve been in an accident, but now you have a whimsical puppy dog.