I’m not saying I’m a conspiracy theorist, but I swear some of these typos have been planted.
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I’ll never forget the day we met. That’s the great thing about police records
“My homework ate my dog” -student in python breeding class
*open up knapsack and a parachute comes out*
Kid: But that means-
*Dad is hurtling towards the ground with a sandwich and apple*
ME: I dreamed about you last night
PIZZA DELIVERY GUY: please just sign your receipt so I can leave, sir
“A Bunch of Stuff I Remembered and Then Compiled into a Narratively Cohesive Yet Inconsistently Compelling Tome: A Memoir”
Me: did you know cows have best friends?
Wife: really?
Me: yep!
Wife: how do you know that?
[Myrtle peeking around the corner into the living room].
Me: I’m glad you asked : )
GPS: We have arrived at the bank.
Me: Okay, great.
GPS: There are no cops within eight minutes of the bank.
Me: …What?
GPS: It takes three minutes to write a note and get to the front of the line.
Me: I’m not going to rob —
GPS: *Sigh* Fine. We never do anything fun
I think I found a perfect place for Spongebob.
In case of an emergency, eat fried chicken.
DOOO EEEET
If you’re boarding first, dress casually. It’s no good unless everyone at the gate is surprised.
on earth: a magiciam puts his hand in his hat
in the rabbit realm: The Hand emerges. it is time. the rabit council must chose a sacrifice
Drank so much coffee I think I just lost hearing in my right eye.
Who called it a goose wearing a suit and not a propaganda
I started a petition to ban people from collecting autographs.
So far I’ve got 50,000 signatures.
DRUG DEALER: whatya want?
ME: *takes his hand in mine* what do YOU want?
DRUG DEALER: *tearing up* no one ever asks me that
Him: I like you.
Me: I’ll soon put a stop to that.
Me: *googles my symptoms*
WEBMD: drunk for the last 6 days
Time for evil
I guess if macaroni had to be named after a body part, elbow was better than some other options.
3yo: Mommy, look outside at the snow.
Me: It’s pretty isn’t it?
3yo: Yeah, it’s your favorite color.
Me: No, that’s not my fav—
3yo: Yes it is
Our mailman freaked out when he accidentally saw me naked.
So did all the other people at the post office.
I always try to compliment people, even if it’s just, “Wow, I’ve never seen clothes worn like that before.” or “You have a dope overbite.”
me *choking on a piece of popcorn*
cat: Finally
Throws caution into the wind.
Comes back and hits me in the face.
[listening to the neighbors argue through the walls]: mmw mmwm wmmw mwm mwwmm wwmw
mwm wmmwm wwmw mmwm
mwwm mmw mmwm mwwm mwmwm
me: oh stephanie you’re better than this
The problem is, once you get the bear in a headlock, you’re going to have to let him go at some point and he’s going to be pissed.
Anyone who ever worked at Twitter…
Is now either an ex-employee or an X employee.
A girl phoned me the other day and said…”Come on over, there’s nobody home.” I went over. Nobody was home.