I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him
GOD, I hope he calls me.
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How to brew beer: First buy $300 worth of equipment from the last guy who thought it would be fun
commiting a crime and pretending to be a witness so i can get the police sketch artist to draw my oc for free
I told my mom I dreamt I was an autumn leaf and she thought that was super weird, so you can see why I hesitate to mention the portal opening up behind the spice rack.
Does WebMD ever just say “you’re fine, there’s nothing wrong with you, go play outside you drama queen?”
[concert]
Lead Singer: HOW’S EVERYBODY DOING TONIGHT
Crowd: WOOOO
Me (from the back row): fine how are you
Lead Singer: I’M GOOD THANKS FOR ASKING
Boy: call me daddy 😉
Me:
someone described my girlfriend’s skin as “sun-kissed” recently and now the sun’s about to catch these hands
I don’t want to give away my exact locale but I’ll just say I can see the moon from my kitchen. Please don’t abuse this info.
It was all over when he said, “It must have been an obstacle illusion.”
Me: Why did you need to buy a dehumidifier can’t you just put out humidifier in reverse?
Husband: *eye twitches*
as a british man you have to pick an obsessive hobby before age 31 or WW2 history is selected for you by default
2-year-old: Dad?
Me: What?
2: Are chickens real?
Me:
2:
Me: No one knows.
Does anyone else have Bad Underwear which is kept at the bottom of the drawer to help you remember that it is time to clean the Good Underwear
Slot twist: That USB drive goes in the other way. Turn it over
I just learned that snails can sleep for 3 years at a time and it looks like I have a new spirit animal (sorry wombats)
I like to put my passengers as ease by pointing out where all the airbags are. Ending the safety message with “Just in case I crash again”
Never underestimate mothers. They can turn “mayhem” into “ma’am” with one narrowed glance.
wife left me because I wouldn’t stop referring to bread as “acoustic toast”
I’m taking my niece and nephew to the corn maze today. If I can’t lose them there, I’ll try the mall again.
one time when I was a kid I was in canada on canada day but didn’t realize it was canada day and I saw a mountie on stilts so I spent the next couple of years thinking canada had stilt cops
[loudly in front of a bunch of ducks] “OH NO I SEEM TO HAVE BROUGHT TOO MUCH BREAD WITH ME WHATEVER SHALL I DO?” *ducks try to play it cool*
If you ask him what he admires most about a woman and he says brains, you’ve got yourself a zombie.
Overheard at the pool:
Grandma: what do you want the baby to be? a brother or sister?
*long pause*
3 year old: a cat
This guy must really want to impress me with his endurance skills. Because when I asked if he wanted a ride, he said “No thanks I’ll walk”
Romeo and Juliet is my favorite story about how when you fall in love, it’s best to just kill yourself.
All we want is to get laid and for no one to touch our cell phones.
Robin: “Clowns to the left of me, Joker’s to the right. Here I am, stuck in the middle with you.”
Batman: “Shut up.”
I’ve disinfected my dungeon, who’s up for some fun?
No weirdos.
Me: Listen, I brush and I floss!! You won’t find anything!!
Cop: It’s not that kind of cavity search, ma’am.
It turns out that you can only spray so many people down with Febreze before they fire you as a Wal Mart greeter.