My teens first time dusting picture frames and decided going foward that hanging them crooked would
” help the dust fall off”
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Me: It’s late. Go to sleep.
Brain: K.
Me:
Brain:
Me: *kinda dozing off*
Brain: WHY WOULD HORSES EVEN TRY TO PUT AN EGG BACK TOGETHER?
I wonder if Mr. Potato Head gets emails letting him know there are hot Pringles in his area.
Why is it called “Alien vs Predator”? Isn’t predator an alien too? They should’ve just called it “Some Aliens”
DOCTOR: Does it hurt when I do this?
*takes you out several times then acts distant*
Tattoos are a nice way to forever honor loved ones, like family members who have passed away, or skulls with bat wings that have passed away
The baby’s trying to eat the poinsettia again
Well, maybe we should get rid of it
The plant? But we just got it
. . .Haha yeah, the plant
Why do they call it house cleaning and not fighting grime?
Website: you must be of legal age to view this content. What year were you born?
Me at age 11 (playing it safe): 1753
A telemarketer just called my cell phone.
I pretended to be a phone sex operator.
HE didn’t hang up.
…things got awkward.
My wife has politely asked all of you to stop being so interesting and not-so-politely asked me to load the F’n dishwasher.
men invented arm wrestling so they could hold hands and look in each other’s eyes
the main function of the little toe on your foot is to make sure that all the furniture in the house is in it’s place.
*Buys Samsung smart fridge. Opens app every 15 minutes to see if there’s anything good in there*
penguins mate for life, which is why you never see one smiling
Teachers: “AI is a disaster, how am I going to know who is cheating?!”
Students:
Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory is the most whimsical film about the systematic murder of children that I have ever seen.
7 years and 170,000 tweets later, all I can say is I’m glad this isn’t a gambling addiction.
You can tell a lot about a woman from her hands, for instance if they are firmly around your throat she is probably slightly upset.
Day 16,607:
Still not stuck on a deserted island, and beginning to lose hope
Son: Can you teach me about fractions? Me: Sure. I love 2/3 of my children.
I think this man might be the one, I say right before he dumps me and I never hear from him again
I love my 5yr old dearly, but if he keeps saying “Dark” Vader I may have to sell him.
There are two types of women: the ones who buy cute new clothes for a trip and the ones who pack old stretchy leggings and tops expecting full well to gain 5 lbs in 4 days, of which I am the latter
Stealing endorsements is not how you become the president of the United States, homie. Leave my name out ya mouth…
Me: “You didn’t tell me that.”
Them: “Yes I did, four times while you were staring at your phone.”
Me (looks up): “I’m sorry, what?”
*accidentally clicks on the wrong internet browser*
INTERNET EXPLORER: OH YEAHHHHH! TIME TO SHAKE THE RUST OFF, BABY! WHO’S READY TO EXPLORE. THE. INTER-
*closes browser*
I need this for my side hustle.
ME: sit
DOG: [sits]
ME: good boy. roll over
DOG: [rolls over]
ME: good. now speak
DOG: [clears his throat] time is the fire in which we all burn
ME: bad dog. very bad
Area rug? Forget about it. Give me a perimeter rug instead. Just one strand around the whole room.
Marriage tip: Never lie to your spouse but remember, the word “maybe” is your friend.