You guys have made me afraid to pick up my son’s socks
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#BadThingsToDoOnAPlane Talk about your plans to build explosive devices
Jesus: I can never tell if people are addressing me or taking my name in vain
Mary: Jesus stop complaining
Car Salesman: This baby gets 26mpg and check out this nice interior!
Me: *placing several hot dogs in the cup holder* It’s not bad
Last night I head banged, lip synced, air guitared and air keyboarded “The Final Countdown” while my teen daughter looked on in horror.
Cop: You look pretty beat up, how many attackers did you say there was?
[flashback to me showing the cat my nunchuk skills]
Me: Easily 10
[First date] You didn’t google the menu before you came to the restaurant? This isn’t going to work.
A child is like a CD. You enjoy it for a while and then forget it in the car.
Wish I had a friend named Keith who was good at fighting just so I could call him a keithal weapon.
“My family doesn’t have a black sheep,” I say, while everyone avoids eye contact.
Ladies, the day after Halloween don’t forget to buy all the discounted blood capsules to keep in your mouth for when men tell you to smile.
I find few things more alarming than a toddler with a permanent marker in her hand.
If you can’t handle me getting arrested in my pajama pants at Walmart than you don’t deserve me buying produce in my yoga pants at Target.
Legend states that when you’re in the middle of an existential crisis, a child will appear to cry about their sibling looking at them the wrong way
Recipe called for 3 eggs. Only had 2. No problem, I thought, I’ll just cut the recipe by one third.
Deep within the ingredient list, 2 and 2/3 cups of Bisquick cackled, basking in the moment it would reveal itself, far too late for anything to stop the math that would be needed
Just called the bank for my account info and a voice whispered ‘If you break the pack in half, Ramen noodles can last you two days.’
Kinda rude TikTok has “hiding your double chin hacks” in my algorithm.
I asked my husband to babyproof the cabinets in the kitchen and he did, but now I’m mad that I can’t get into the cabinets in the kitchen.
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My neighbours were listening to some pretty cool music until the arseholes asked me to turn it down.
Who needs to watch the #SOTU when I can just read my TL? Here’s what I’ve learned so far: John Boehner is still orange.
*me swallowing my fourth wet t-shirt*
This contest is hard
Boy, are you a protractor because with all your measured angles and collected numbers you’re such a transparent tool.
just found out the danish word for jellyfish is literally water man and am cracking up at the idea that while other languages were naming them after medusa or whatever some danish dude was like “nah that’s a water guy”
“Dad, where do babies come from?”
“Walmart.”
[interviewing to be a lifeguard]
me 🎶 I’m too sexy for my shirt 🎶 Too sexy for my shirt 🎶
interviewer: ok, I get it, you keep repeating that. Do you know CPR?
This bartender doesn’t know it yet, but she is probably going to make me 36 hours late for work tomorrow.
Just saw Samuel L. Jackson order a couple of bagels. He paid for them and said thank you so basically now my whole life is ruined
None of these new apps realize all my phone contacts already hate me.
Why do they write PIZZA all over the box???? what else could possibly be in there???