A sick whale is called an unwhale
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Yeah I go to the gym.
Today I will be working on my uh…cordyceps.
I’m glad they call themselves attorneys-at-law. I wouldn’t want to accidently hire an attorney-at-baking or an attorney-at-pottery.
my son needs help with his math project so i did what any good parent would do. i slipped out the back door and started a new life in costa rica
MOM: sleep tight, don’t let the bedbugs bite 🙂
KID: ok[later]
BEDBUG: arrgh I can’t bite him
OTHER BEDBUG: curses, he is sleeping too tightly
When I walk through automatic doors sometimes I think I’m controlling them with my mind, that’s normal right?
Scott Baio: i’m Scott Baio and i endorse Donald Trump
Trump: who the hell is Scott Baio
Scott Baio: you know, Chachi
Trump: say Chachi then
Tired this morning me would like to have a word with stayed up too late last night me.
“Punch it bro, the lights gray.”
[does ten push ups] I am a weapon
9yo niece: *eyeing my engagement ring with suspicion* THAT doesn’t look like a real diamond to me
me: *eyeing my husband with suspicion*
I have decided to take a martial arts class to deal with the mall’s aggressive kiosk people.
Townspeople: [shaking pitchforks at me] BURN THE WITCH
Me: lmao go ahead I can take it
Townspeople: you have a dumb face
Me: [tearing up] ok I was wrong I can’t take it
If you like the song “Red Red Wine” then U B 40.
Saying “let me show you how it’s done”
– arrogant
– condescending
– vibe killerSaying “this is how we do it”
– it’s Friday night and I feel alright
– the party’s here on the west side
– so I reach for my 40 and I turn it up
– designated driver take the keys to my truck
Any woman with three or more exes in her city could have told Obama how to avoid Putin in Normandy.
You are what you delete.
“Alex is visiting later tonight.”
Alex from work or Alex the astronaut with amazing hearing?
[From the moon] It’s not me, Thelma. Hi Bob.
Midwest trash talk
My daughter, the world’s worst hider, asked me to play hide & seek. I counted to 20 and began a search that eclipsed 10 minutes. I was truly stumped, then I heard her playing in the backyard. “I thought you wanted to play hide & seek?” I asked. “Oh, yeah,” she said. “I forgot.”
My kid: “Mommy, can you teach me how to pick a lock?”
Me, on the other side of the bathroom door: “No.”
I have patio furniture in the friend zone.
“After 30 years at my stepdad’s carpentry business I needed a change.”
I don’t sign anything if they don’t give me time to pretend to read it first.
I can’t see my boyfriend during this lockdown and I’m really unhappy about it!
My husband says he doesn’t care. Rude!
Friend: Those are really big sprinkles on your cupcake.
Me: They’re ibuprofen.
I dated a girl that wore a mood ring. When happy it would be a pretty blue colour. When she was mad it made a big oval mark on my forehead.
What idiot called them astronomers and not skyentists
It’s all fun and games until a metal flask falls out of your car in the church parking lot.
Boss: Any takeaways from the client meeting?
Me: I got his stapler and two rolls of toilet paper
friend: What’s one thing marriage has taught you?
me: If you walk into the house eating a candy bar you better have one for her too