I am not paying for a full year membership at the Y when I only need the pool long enough to hold one hamster Viking funeral.
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Money issues can seem overwhelming until you break it down and realize all you need to do is bring in a million times more per day. See? No problem.
“What a tangled web we weave”
-Earbuds
A vulture floats lazily overhead. Here come a few of his friends. Oh, and a few more. Look, now they’re circling.
Maybe I should move.
I didn’t believe in miracles until I folded the laundry this morning and all the socks had a match.
dating my last boyfriend was like being on the bachelor but not knowing I was on the bachelor
I relate to #PizzaRat because if I found a slice of pizza as big as a car you can bet I’d try my best to take that thing home.
Is running in front of cars some sort of gang initiation for squirrels?
Stop hating yourself for everything. Be specific.
I downloaded “ambient coffee shop” track. Just low talking, dish clanking, & one lady yelling “Finn. Look at mommy. FINN. You want a scone?”
Doctor said only clear liquids before surgery. Vodka should qualify just fine.
Me: (squeezing into a gown) I’m so sick of the fashion industry. Who do you even make these clothes for? Children?
Disney Store clerk: Yes.
My advice for new parents is that when you feed your child their first chicken nugget to go ahead and start preparing your answer to the question “is this chicken like the animal chicken?” cause that moment is coming.
The endings of Lost and Game of Thrones each cost me a television.
Don’t tell me I don’t know about sacrifice. I mix the ends of cereals into one bowl so my family can open new boxes. Without my appetite for disgusting mixtures, they’d fall apart.
God, creating dogs: make them smart
Angel: how smart
God: capable of saving lives but incapable of turning around if they walk around a tree with their leash on
Satan: welcome to hell, I want all of us to be friends here
Me: huh, this doesn’t seem so bad
Satan: so everyone go around in the circle and say a little bit about yourself
“You CAN even.”
– white girl life coach
People who say they don’t have a mean bone in their body haven’t had their back go out on them.
If I won the Mega Millions jackpot, I would pay my kids to be quiet for 5 minutes.
Noah build an ark
“what? why”
I’m gunna flood the earth
“just give me fish powers”
[jealous he didn’t think of that] JUST DO WHAT I SAY!
The sincerest form of flattery is having a robot from the future sent back in time to kill you. Imitation is a distant second.
Another previously unknown dinosaur was the Thesaurus who used flowery language to confuse and disorient predators while he made his escape
Me: tis better to have loved and lost than to embarrass yourself in front of mall security
Her: WHERE THE HELL IS OUR SON
I’m pretty disappointed that an unknown Uncle hasn’t left me a haunted mansion and millions of dollars by now.
If you tell me having a dog is the same as having a kid then I’m going to assume you yell at your dog to keep his pants on at Wal-Mart.
It’s all fun and games until your Uber driver pulls up and he’s driving a hearse.
“WHAT?! YOU NEVER TOLD ME!”
– My 7yo, hearing he has a middle name for the millionth time.
I sexually identify as a hand grenade
My toddler saw Santa for the 2nd time this season and when he asked her what she wanted for Christmas, she quit smiling, looked him dead in the eye, and told him, “I already told you”. And that was the moment I realized that I’m going to have to get so much better at lying.