Me: No one told me raising a baby would be sooo hard 😰
My baby:
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[first date]
*emptying jar of coins into coinstar* “almost done”
so where are we going after this?
“what”
Everyone else at the table can order a margarita at 10a.m., but I ask for a cup of queso with a straw, and suddenly I’m the one with the problem.
just a good, friendly, light-hearted conversation that for some reason charmin initiated with me
Apparently showing the pharmacist a picture of my wife was not a good enough reason to get Valium without a prescription.
*i drop my pen at work*
Guy who backpacked around Europe: that reminds me of this little village in the north of Romania
Is there a Twitter acronym for “Ur screenshot tweet is really funny, but my anxiety about ur phone battery % prevents me from enjoying it”?
I’m literally typing this from atop a giraffe in Ghana. Her name is Coriander & we love each other.
Actually you’re having a conversation with yourself. I’m just here so you don’t appear totally insane.
M: I’m gonna go relax
H: ok I’m gonna clean out a closet and come ask you questions until you offer to help
driving in the car and my girlfriend leaned over and said “where does an owl get dinner? pizza hoot” and then continued on with her business as if nothing had happened
7: what kind of ice cream is this? *Takes a bite*
Me: French Vanilla
7: mmm, you can really taste the Frenches
My 6yo drew a picture of my mom, and I don’t think she’s ever going to babysit ever again😭
Executioner : Due to the power-cut we’ll be using the acoustic chair.
Me: this pot sucks
Wife: *surrendering any remaining hope of future joy* no the other kind of pot roast
“T.G.I.F!” – not Jesus, probably.
Ok, so maybe the best time to break the news about how many years of school there are was NOT after a rough day at kindergarten.
the cop walks up to my car & sees that it’s filled with smoke. he gets closer & hears the sound of fajitas grilling
Pro tip: never take a laxative and a sleeping pill at the same time.
AVATAR
AVA2R
3VATAR
AV4TAR
AVATAR (the V means 5)
Fitbit: Time for a walk
Me: *walks to snack machine
Emotional Fruit:
The Grapes of Wrath
The Apples of Annoyance
The Cantaloupes of Cantankerousness
The Plums of Pique
The Raspberries of Rage
The Bananas of Just Really Happy to See You
The best thing about a rabbit is it doesn’t matter how bad a lay you are, everyone compares good sex to you.
When ever I put on my mask to go into a store, I hear a voice in my head that says “cover me, I’m going in”
Me (while pouring you tea from a kettle marked ‘POISON’): I apologise. My ‘NOT POISON’ kettle is dirty at the moment.
Anyone have a recipe for chocolate covered strawberries?
Once accidentally liked an insta of someone I hadn’t spoken to in yrs so I had to like 1/2 her entire feed & reach out abt getting lunch
I suspect in a previous life I was either Napoleon or maybe some socks.
Judge: We only asked you to state your name.
James Loves Murder: I said I plead the 5th!
omg your honor why are you like obsessed with my client
A pie where there isn’t pastry on the bottom isn’t a pie. It’s soup with a hat.