Judge: I’m disappointed to see you back in my courtroom.
Defendant: I’m disappointed to see you back in my courtroom.
J: Stop that.
D: Stop that.– repeat offenders
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Yells to my family from the kitchen, “That was the mustard squeeze bottle!”
[fumbling with my phone as I’m being murdered]
ME: *takes picture of my home screen*
cop: omg they trashed your apartment
me: yes, it was them
Remembering that time in grad school when my advisor, a great ornithologist, got a random call:
drunk guy, bar noises in background: IS THIS THE BIRD PROFESSOR?
my advisor: um..yes?
drunk guy: DO HUMMINGBIRDS HAVE FEET?
my advisor: …yes
*wild cheering over phone from bar*
the 80s were wild man, you had bands naming themselves after predatory cats with hearing problems
[karate class]
Sensei: break this board with your hands
Me: why can’t I use an axe?
Sensei: because I hate you
If my daughter hasn’t figured out how to forge my signature in her homework folder by now, that’s her own problem.
“If anyone knows a reason why these two should not marry, speak n-”
SHE ONCE COMMENTED ‘FIRST’ ON A YOUTUBE VIDEO
*ring bearer vomits*
My son said he’d do something in a minute.
So far it’s been 185 days, 16 hours & 11 minutes but who’s counting.
Sure breakups are hard, but have you ever had to wait for your phone to stop ringing you so you can start using it again?
Me: I let my guard down.
Prison guard: I’m not angry, just disappointed.
For my birthday all I want is for folks to strengthen friendships with old friends cus I’ve lost quite a few in the last few years and that saddens me. Also maybe a Camaro.
Zelda is the name of the PRINCESS, the guy in green who saves her is named Luigi, idiots.
Kissing someone mid sentence is only cute in movies. I will press my hand against your face and slowly push it way until I’m done talking.
Sorry I was staring at your nachos while you were talking about your painful divorce
being a work from home parent is hard dude. i’ve been telling my son he has to work hard to be a success in life and now he sees me watch videos of people running from the cops on my phone while i wiggle my mouse every 3 minutes.
[3 years from now]
I can’t believe it’s still 2020.
There’s not a day that goes by where I don’t think about that Backstreet Boy asking his pals, “am I sexual?” & they’re like, “yeah.”
6yo:You can’t eat chips before dinner!
Me:YOU can’t. I’m a grown man. I do what I want.
*Wife walks in*: What’s that?
Me:WHAT? NOTHING. Huh?
4-year-old: What’s “saying grace?”
Me: It’s when we thank the one who provided our food.
4-year-old: We thank the microwave?
I used to be scared upon waking in the middle of the night, but after raising two babies and seeing all hours of the clock, I’ve learned that the only thing that is truly frightening is hearing the word “Mom” whisper-screamed into my ear.
Cellmate: what did you do?
Me: robbed a bank.
Cellmate: nice! how’d you get caught?
Me: [lights a cig and takes a long drag]
I stopped to put all the money facing the same way.
JAJAJAJAJAJAJAJA NOOOOOOOOO JAJAJAJAJAJAJAJAJAJAJJAJAJ AIREEEEEE JAJAJAJAJAJAJAJAJA
When smothering somebody, make sure not to use a memory foam pillow because it could testify against you in court.
Today I beat my personal record of consecutive days alive.
haven’t gone back to the gym since i kept using my phone and someone asked me if it’s fingers day
If covid had hit in 2007, there would be 1000 tweets a day saying “Covid has to isolate after being exposed to Chuck Norris.”
If I ever only have 3 months to live, I want my ex wife to be with me. That would be the longest 3 months of my life.
Her: So, are you seeing anyone?
Me: You mean like a therapist or hallucinations?
If I had a yoshi I would ride him to work every day.
“Sup bob, see you got a new Kia, guess what I got, a fricken yoshi dude”