[someone stops being my friend]
ah that’s sad they must have died
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I asked my husband if he liked the song “#1 Crush” and he said it’s garbage, and then I said “yeah, but do you LIKE it?” because he has no clue who sings it and I’m annoying af.
It’s good to make mistakes in front of your children to teach them they don’t have to be perfect.
And also the truth that you’re a moron.
Just think: right now, your body is cookin’ up some poop.
[on deathbed]
“Tell my Wif… *cough*”
Yes? Tell her what?
“Tell my Wifi provider their broadband speeds were moderate at best”
[dies]
I’ve been making my own bread every single day for two weeks now and I finally understand why people always look so miserable in historic photos.
Sorry I commented on that video of your kid taking his first steps with “aw look you taught it how to walk on its hind legs!”
I love how they gave Scooby-Doo a speech impediment, as if people would be like “That makes sense, because dogs have difficulty speaking..”
[first day in a hair band]
Singer: you’re bald
Me: yes, I lied on my resume
The only problem with the free bread they serve to your table at restaurants is that they don’t do it everywhere else. I want to be served focaccia while I’m getting my car fixed. I want my doctor to offer me a baguette and olive oil while she’s checking my blood pressure.
Age 17: Avoiding squeaky floor boards to sneak out of my parent’s house
Age 37: Avoiding squeaky floor boards to sneak out of my toddler’s room
First day as a 911 operator:
“whoa, whoa, stop yelling. You called ME, remember?”
St. Patrick’s Day is the day we all watch Ghost and Dirty Dancing in honor of Patrick Swayze.
Wait a minute
Father: I love both my sons equally.
Max: I know that, dad.
Min: I have my doubts.
Grey Goose and Red Bull, because two sets of wings is better than one.
The cashier just checked me out.
Why human bake at 86 degrees but chicken bake at 425
Not to brag but I can make my son angry just by asking, “how was your day?”
Sometimes I look at my 13yo daughter and marvel at how smart she is, how beautiful she’s getting, and how the hell she wakes up after sleeping for 10 hours without having to immediately run to the bathroom and pee.
Sorry but this is the best bird story I’ve ever read. The update is *chefs kiss*
Earthlings are the most dangerous of all the lings.
and that’s why I’m fat🤭
Thanks for saying ‘on your mobile’ in your bio, for a moment I thought you might be tweeting like me, from a calculator in the psych ward
My brain knows that there’s a guy doing work on my roof today, but my nervous system keeps acting like the house is under attack.
MY DOG (sitting at the dining room table, doing his homework): What does anthropomorphise mean?
Probably my best painting.
Someday a baby’s first words will be “Please take this Ramones shirt off of me, I don’t like their music and this shirt implies that I’m a fan”
My 5 year old is going to be a witch for Halloween. But she doesn’t want to wear a hat. No wig, either. The black dress? Too itchy. Oh, and she’s not down with green makeup. The only part of the costume she likes is the broom. My 5 year old is going to be a janitor for Halloween.
When people call me a monster I always hope they mean a cute one like Cookie Monster
Everyone has at least one closet that feels like it was set up by Kevin McCallister in Home Alone.
I just opened the closet to get the vacuum cleaner and a muffin tin fell on my head, two sheet pans landed on my feet and a broom handle tipped out and impaled me in the stomach.