Look, I’m not saying he’s a bad dentist. I’m just saying maybe you should check his references.
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ME: haha when your mask is down it looks like a chinstrap beard
HER: what mask
ME: oh
as a kid, I used to think $1,000 was a lot of money. But now that I’m an adult, I think it’s a tremendous amount of money
#inspiration #foodforthought
[breakfast table]
Me: Who killed the entire box of Lucky Charms?
8: Not me
9: Not me
CEREAL KILLER: Not me either
Being a “Hopeless Romantic” sounds kinda depressing. “Pull my chair out for me?” .. “I’d love to, but I’ve given up.”
me: officer there’s a suspicious looking van parked outside
cop: does it look shady?
me: yeah it’s actually a pretty good parking spot
me: in or out
dog: yep
me: which one
dog: you bet
6yo: Teacher, are you married?
Me: No
6yo: Me either.
You sure about that?
[opens fortune cookie]
“Your debit card will decline, leave once the waiter goes to the kitchen and wait for further instructions.”
Police sketch artist: Two criminals? But you’ve just described a vase
Me: Look at the negative space either side of it
Sketch artist: Holy shit…
Granny said “alright now, if she fall that’s it for me” 😭
Hotel California is basically a negative Yelp review with a two minute guitar solo.
Me: *wakes up to pee at 4:30*
My brain: Oh good, you’re awake!
Mama Bear: Ok but last time
Papa Bear: Thanks, babe
[she puts on a Goldilocks wig]
Mama Bear (falsetto): I can’t sleep here! It’s toooo hard
Since we don’t have children my wife shows people photos of our Air Fryer.
When I find myself in times of trouble, I think of Lady Catherine de Bourgh, and endeavor to conduct myself in such a way that would meet with her severe disapproval.
Saw a UPS guy come out of the forest with a package. Guess a bear does ship in the woods.
Day 16,607:
Still not stuck on a deserted island, and beginning to lose hope
Texting random numbers “It’s done.”
It’s okay, everyone. I know my 3yo’s screams sound like his leg was run over by a lawn mower, but he’s just got some fuzz stuck to his thumb
[1776]
America: We want the British out[1931]
Australia: We want the British out[1947]
India: We want the British out[2020]
Britain: We want the British out
Music Royalty Succession Chart
Queen
|
Prince
|
Duke Ellington
|
Steve Earle
|
Lorde
|
Lady Gaga
|
Sir Mix-a-Lot
What if earth is just God’s Tamagotchi that he forgot about?
I don’t have Facebook I use the police to tell my friends and family when I’m doing badly
Dinosaurs never could’ve survived til the present day. Could you imagine a stegosaurus in a Honda Civic? It’d be totally ridiculous in 2017.
6: Dad what’s a Kardashian?
Me: Nobody really knows…
6: Sounds really stupid
Me: I love you
If you name a baby Barbara, the baby turns 50 years old immediately.
If a ship travels 24 knots per hour and the trip is five hours then how was there not enough room for Jack on that door??
*me trying not to be awkward when I meet new people
Them: Hi, it’s really nice to meet you
Me: Yeah, thanks, my dress has pockets