I constantly see other people’s jobs they’re doing or have done and think “psshhh, I could do that better” like artists, photographers, dog walker, giraffe masseuse, water boy at a bath house, monkey tickler, Seth Greens personal high fiver, Doctor of Thuganomix.
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One time someone told me the camera adds 10 pounds and I was like why would anyone eat a camera you idiot?
My friend is a meteorologist so when he wants to hang out I tell him there’s a 100% chance I’ll be there and then I don’t show up.
I told my kids to stop fighting, so now they’re playing with dolls who are fighting.
You can tell how single I am by the way my cat and dog wear their sombreros with quiet dignity and acceptance.
Why is it no matter how bad you rack yourself physically ppl invariably ask “Are you ok?”
Sure I am. Why I was just thinking this morning my hair would look so much better if it had matted blood in it.
Some people should be forced to carry a plant around with them, to replace the oxygen they waste.
Pelican trying to eat a capybara.. 😅
DATE: What’s your favourite movie?
ME: Kill Bill
DATE: Oh. I prefer things more sophisticated
ME [long pause] Killiam William
Teacher: You can do anything you set your mind to
[I try to sneak outta class but somehow mess up the pull door twice]
Except maybe that guy
The guy at work who giggles every time the clock hits 4:20 can’t figure out why he keeps getting “randomly” drug tested.
The fact touche and douche don’t rhyme bothers me.
Flight Attendant: Is anyone here a doctor?!
Me: *shoving my way to the front* no
Sent my ex a card that said, “Get better soon.”
He’s not ill, just really crap in bed.
*sticks a pencil in your ear and manually rewinds you back before you opened your mouth*
The bananas in my fruit bowl were overripe
Fruit flies everywhere!
I tried to kill them
But I just ended up giving them a round of applause
One time I tried to pull off the Ariana Grande cat ears but I just looked like Barf from Spaceballs.
Badminton implies the existence of a more sinister sport: Goodusedoff
She was a very heavy smoker with a cough that curdled your blood.
Phlegm fatale, they called her.
Why are they called urinal cakes and not pisscuits
If the cat climbs into a house guest’s lap, I like to freeze and whisper, “Are you feeling okay? She only does that with those who are dying.”
Whenever I read a sexual tweet I already know the “not you” is implied.
Grandma used the same wrapping paper for 25 years, so don’t tell me about the great ‘bargain’ you found.
I hate all the “creepy clown” news. I’m having a clown solidarity march at dusk near an abandoned insane asylum. Need a calliope player.
The first five days after the weekend are the worst.
If you’re a grown man walkin around with a winter hat that has animal ears I can tell that @ some point people used 2 take your lunch money
God gives his worst wrapping skills to his strongest gift givers
“Be cool, be cool,
be cool”~me before I’m about to not be cool.
I just want to live in a world where stupid people don’t knock on a locked bathroom door shouting, “anyone in there?!”
Toddler, sleepily: “A lot of people live in our house.”
Me: “Momma, Matty, and me. That’s all.”
Toddler, pointing behind me: “And them too.”
I turn to see an empty hallway. I’m 99% certain it was an empty hallway.
People who say “You can’t argue with that” really don’t know me very well.