The locals are gushing over my poor axe handling skills
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Me: *making table side guacamole*
Priest: Please get off the altar
ESPN was showing the 1997 spelling bee smh, like a spelling bee is even a sprot.
HER: You look so nervous.
ME: *nervously* HA. I’m never nervous.
HER: You’re sweating.
ME: *just freaking out* That’s bravery moisture.
ME: what time would you like me at the restaurant?
HER: I don’t even like you now
If a company’s hiring sign says, “Come grow with us,” you’re about to do the work of 3-5 people.
It’s pretty shitty people are giving back the highways they adopted now that lockdowns are over.
Customer service: how can I help you?
Me: yeah, I’d like to change my security question. My favorite kid is now Josh
Me: I want to buy a keyboard
Yamaha: yep
Me: … and a guitar
Yamaha: yeah we got you bro
Me: also weird q but do you know where i can find a jet ski?
Yamaha: you’re not gonna believe this
when someone messages me a minute after i login to work
I’ve slept with enough babysitters to know how to raise a kid thanks mom
Most people don’t know this, but a canine that practices medicine is called a Dogter.
Just went to Walgreens & they’re a bunch of liars. Their walls were more of a beige color. I’m suing.
Walked in for bread, walked out with 6 bottles of wine. Now we’re having communion for dinner.
A plague on both your Barbie’s Dreamhouses.
7YR OLD: dad, when Bruno Mars sings “so many pretty girls around me & they waking up the rocket,” what’s he mean?
ME: he’s a NASA scientist
not to be confused with the baby elephant-sized meteor as heavy as 4 corgis!!
I milked the cow
“We don’t have a cow”
the neighbors’ cow then
“Their cat?”
Pretty sure it was a cow he was saying moo
“Meow”
Ah shoot
Me: I read where psychologists are worried that after all this time in lockdown, people are going to have trouble adjusting to regular social interaction again. What do you think?
My couch:
And then one day we decided we were tired of sleeping in and doing whatever we wanted whenever we wanted in a clean house, and we had kids.
All I’m saying is people who don’t swear are fornicated up emotionally.
Life Lessons From Cats:
• take more naps
• rules were meant to be broken
• it’s okay to hide when you’re scared
• always demand respect
• if you have an itch, scratch it
• find joy in the simple things
• you can bury your shit but eventually someone’s gonna find it
I tell people I broke my neck playing sports but it was actually from flicking my ponytail to unleash ancient curses.
“Your barbeque sauce is on my beagle!” “Your beagle is in my barbeque sauce!” *We both grin and put on bibs*
You had me at “define legal”.
Yesterday was International Day of Happiness. If you find yourself feeling happy today by mistake, don’t panic. Just focus on the news until the feeling passes.
“Sometimes I feel like a woman trapped in a woman’s body” – Russian nesting doll
I paid $5.99 for The Interview. I now want North Korea to kill me.
Scooterology is the science of moving things just a smidge