If you didn’t bring enough cough syrup for everyone, maybe don’t drink it in front of us, Gary.
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I don’t trust kids as far as I can throw them. Currently my record for trusting a kid is 6 feet 11-1/4 inches.
Flowers for Valentine’s Day are cool…but what she really needs is windshield wiper fluid.
In order from least to most stressful:
– code works
– code doesn’t work
– code doesn’t work, don’t know why
– code works, don’t know why
Anything is free if you can outrun security.
The more you know.
Every BBC series about the universe.
If you steal piles of leaves from someone else’s yard it’s called grand theft autumn.
So you better just leaf it right there. 😎🍂
I have keys on my keychain from the houses I used to live in just in case I’m hungry and in the area.
“I can’t hear you because my eyes are closed.”
– my kid, showing off my exemplary homeschool skills
Everyone’s a gangster until they have to roll forward while sitting in an office chair.
I haven’t waited this long for a result since I asked my wife to marry me.
How to get your kids to stop coming with you to Target:
Son: Mom, can you buy this for me?
Me: I’m not your Mom.
Son: Mom, stop.
Me: Let’s go find your Mom.
Son: MOM, STOP!
Me: SECURITY!
TWEET CALL
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Not saying the carpet needs cleaning but I just dropped a donut and now it’s an everything bagel.
step 6: release the wall snake
Imagine owning a dragon…now set yourself on fire, because that’s what it would be like to own a dragon.
Idiots
Fun fact: Girls who tweet about sports will not do that thing you like.
You and what army? That should be your first question to the HOA.
Dads on here: my kid is such an amazing person. I love them. Moms on here: let me tell you what this little shit stain did today.
Cleared my browser’s history and cookies after having sex with my GF.
I wish I gave Darth Vader different last words.
Before he died, I wanted him to mutter, “I should have stuck to pod racing.”
I lock eyes with the cashier after he tells me to have a great day. “How?”
Cucumbers Anonymous
emails from companies that start with stuff like “only nine weeks left to…” who are these for? who has their life together enough to act that far in advance. I don’t know what I’m wearing to work in ten minutes.
if u ever feel insecure just remember that there is at least one couple where your name is a sensitive topic. kinda sexy of you to be that important
Old superstition:
When wife laughs at your jokes:
It means you have guests in the house.
“Still too cold… Still too cold…”
“Screw it, I can’t be late again.”
1. Go to police station 2. Say a gang mugged you 3. Describe your own relatives to police sketch artist 4. Claim free family portrait
Better than a Justin Bieber concert:
1. Being deaf.
2. A rattlesnake bite.
3. Chewing razor blades.
4. Licking a public toilet seat.
On TV no men can tie a necktie but all women can and there’s no backstory to explain it