Me: *slides note to bank teller*
Bank Teller: So….you’re not robbing us, you just want to take a selfie with “mad cash” on your face?
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An old Russian wisdom:
Tell me who your friends are,
And I’ll tell you what
you’ll be charged with.
My background check bounced.
pet owner’s tip: glue the very tip of your cat’s tail to the center of their back to make a convenient cat-carrying handle.
Pfizer: Our vaccine is 90% effective.
Me who always gets the lemon skittle: oh no
The sign at the pool says,
Children Under 12 Require Supervision.I guess anyone over 12 is allowed in with only normal eyesight.
My 6yo, sick enough to stay home yet well enough to be yelling C’MON BRO at his video game while I leave a message with the attendance office
Doctor: Can you point to where it hurts
Me: [gestures wildly towards The News]
I couldn’t think of an excuse fast enough so anyways I’m having company over this weekend.
[Buys a popcorn and cola combo at the movies]
My Financial Advisor:
My watch battery is fully charged.
So I got some time
I told my sandwich to “go make me a girlfriend”
when space aliens arrive and ask us to take them to our leader we should take them to the zoo and show them a flamingo
me: where have you been? it’s 5am!
wife: I’m having an affair
me: omg who is he? [excited] tell me eeeeverything!
Wolves in sheep’s clothing. Wolves in human clothing. Wolves in short skirts and heels. Hot single wolves in your area.
My Christmas shopping will be financed by my swear jar again this year.
Men with salt and pepper hair and healthy self-care habits will do that thing you like*
*Remind you to drink water.
Everything about parenting is as unexpected and surprising as finding a dirty fork in the shower.
But, please, why is there a fork in the shower?
Why didn’t the people in the movie Armageddon just hold up a big sheet of paper when the meteor was coming? Paper beats rock…
Buying a life insurance policy is best way to pretend that you have a life.
how is beauty and the beast a “tale as old as time”? a lady hooks up with a big dog, and all the candles in the house start talking? I hope that hasn’t happened before
My wife CLAIMS to be my best friend but she didn’t seemed all that psyched when I bragged about this girl at work I just made out with.
Once I spilled an ENTIRE cup of coffee in a cab and the driver started freaking out, but miraculously, it all landed in a cup holder, and I soaked it up with a sock. When we arrived, the cab driver got out to see zero spilled coffee in his cab and looked at me like a magician.
My husband needs a hearing aid but refuses to get one because it’s the key to our happy marriage.
As a little girl I dreamt of being Belle so I could have that beautiful yellow gown- As a grown woman I want to be Belle so I can be locked away in an enchanted castle where the dishes clean themselves.
Loving thy neighbour was easier before leaf blowers.
I just learned that dentists can actually smell your fear.
I only wish that I weren’t learning this from the dentist who’s lurking outside my window
Your Scooby Doo Villain Name is “old” plus your gender plus your last name.
The best way to get over a cold is to get a younger hotter cold
blenders are like “hey use me to make a healthy drink then spend 4 days getting me clean”
Gave my Dad a ouija board so we can keep in touch after he gave my Mom a vacuum for her birthday