Bananas should have really loud wrappers, like hey, look at me, I’m eating fruit!
Candy should have soft wrappers like, shhhh, I’m a loser.
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ERMAHGERD YOO GIZE…
There is a time and a place for accosting people with baguettes (2 p.m., Whole Foods).
me: could you put this ring at the bottom of my date’s champagne glass
waiter: [refusing to take the funyun] no
I’m wearing black today so powdered sugar donuts seem like a solid choice.
My debit card got stolen at the gym which is fine because i will still continue to go so that I can train to fight the person who stole it
wife: did you pee on the seat
me: maybe a little
bus driver: ok both of you off now
Interviewer: can you tell me about a time when you succeeded?
Me: (nods and looks out the window contemplatively) no
New neighbor: Hi, I’m Sara.
(recalling the 47 Sarah’s already in my life)
Me: I’m sorry, this isn’t going to work out.
I read through all of What To Expect When You’re Expecting and it did nothing to prepare me for the day my teenager started calling me ‘bro’
Everybody at the party got upset when Baby Jesus turned the wine into breast milk.
How come when everyone else heats up sugar they get caramel and I get a higher fire insurance premium?
roses are red / violets are blue
who let the dogs out / who who who who
here’s the problem with fruit: it’s inconsistent. some apples are delicious, some taste bad. sometimes blueberries are great, sometimes they are disgusting. you know what’s the same every time? doritos
I’ve had the same phone for over three years, so I know a thing or two about commitment and frustration.
“What’d you do this weekend?”
I was shooting craps.
“Oh you went to a casino?”
*flashback to blasting dog turds with shotgun* Um, yeah.
At my funeral I want a magician to saw my coffin in half or I’m not going.
[Breakup]
Her: We’re just different
Him: How?
Her: Well, you want to hike & camp
Him: And?
Her: And I want to be a cartoon on the internet
I love the difference between dog and cat rescue stories. dog owners will be like oh I prepped for months and applied and had a home check then did a foster to adopt trial period and then the rescue chose me! and cat owners are like .. I found him in the trash
Reading is a gateway drug to being less stupid.
Fair play to the crow who visits the roof outside my window first thing each morning, and whose cawing has the exact pitch and rhythm as the reversing alert on the recycling lorry, sending me into a blind panic that I’ve forgotten to put the bins out.
We’ve got some pretty upscale, sophisticated people coming over tonight, so I’m putting out the classy spittoon.
Reasons why my toddlers cried this week-
-I put a pillow back on the couch
-Our dog drank from her water bowl
-My wife took a shower
-I gave them the wrong color cups
-I asked them to not throw things at the wall
[gently takes the Spider-Man franchise outside using a cup and piece of paper]
There you go, little buddy. You’re free now.
my friend: [just got fired from his job] what a day
me: [got to the gym and only my left headphone worked] you have no idea
Me: *meeting a priest* Nice dress, bro.
Me: Wait, you think I’m a slow learner?
Wife: (two years earlier) Why are you such a slow learner?
Jurassic Park is my favorite movie about how humans get on everybody’s nerves.
I like to think I’m in charge but then one sad look from my child finds me gently disposing of a dead yard mouse in a nice bag on a carefully arranged bed of leaves
Me: Good news, the pastor said I’m never going to die.
Friend: He said you’re IMMORAL, not immortal.
Me: He also said I’ll be super hot forever.
Friend: He said you’ll burn in Hell for eternity.