You can tell a lot about a person by eavesdropping in on their conversations in the bathroom.
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[apiary]
ME: Are you the beekeeper?
BEEKEEPER: Yup
ME: Can I get some?
BEEKEEPER: Nope
ME: Is it because you k—
BEEKEEPER: I keep them
*the force awakens*
*the dark knight rises*
*they make eye with eachother adn realize they were sleepig in the same bed*
AHHHHHHHHHHHH
FRIEND: you should really try Zumba, I’m in the best shape since high school
ME: *not really paying attention* oh yeah
*two weeks later watching my Roomba on my couch*
ME: ive never felt better in my life
Cop: We’ve found the man who stole your identity and was impersonating you
Me: Where was he?
Cop: Eating Cheetos and crying in his car
Me *impressed* he really went for it
What’s worse than a chick telling you she only thinks of you as a friend? When she says she thinks of you like a brother.
HER: what are you doing?
ME:
*closes page
*deletes history
*performs factory reset
*throws phone against the wall
nothing why, what’s up?
The 6 types of sex
Battery falling down a hole
It’s bullshit that you can accidentally make a baby, but not something awesome like a soufflé.
One thing I’ve learned about getting older is that not everything is as how it appears.
Or I need new glasses. Again.
Scientist proclaim “This is our last hope” as they load cats into a giant old timey cannon pointed at an asteroid not hurdling toward earth.
If somebody stops to ask me directions, I give them directions to my house. see you in twenty minutes new best friend.
Me: I don’t think I can handle any more stress or challenges in my life.
Universe: Hold my beer.
Today my 12 year old went back into a room to switch off a light, so never give up on your dreams
think about this. if u put a banana down u have to put it on its side. but if u slice it and put those slices flat they r actually standing up. this is why i don’t trust bananas. they r never as they seem
Let’s take a moment to be thankful that ponytails don’t wag like dog tails when we’re excited.
My kid just asked my mom if she’d known anyone from the bible personally so I think it’s safe to say she can kiss that trust fund goodbye
Me: Do that thing that I like
Cop: I’m not frisking you again
Everyone hates millennials until it’s time to convert a PDF into a Word document
In my 20s: I would never lie to my kids. They will be strong enough to see the world as it is.
In my 30s: That’s called Paw Patrol. They only have it at the barber. You can watch it again the next time you get a haircut.
Things I learned today:
1) Gel is not short for jelly
2) KY isn’t an acronym for “Krazy Yummy”
3) I’m not allowed to make my own lunch
I hope that boomerang I threw in 2009 is happy out there somewhere, maybe in a relationship with little boomerangs that don’t listen either.
Successful parenting is all about having a schedule. Feel free to use mine:
8am: breakfast
8:30am-6pm: beg my kid to take a nap
6:30pm: dinner
7-9pm: beg my kid to go to sleep
Redheads are an endangered species, I think that every city should have a petting party for them at least once a week.
~quits job, buys RV
(Standing next to pool with a golf club and horse)
Friends: Are you sure you’ve played water polo before?
Witness: I saw the defendant stabbing the victim.
Lawyer: Objection! Witness is ugly!
Judge: Sustained. Jury will disregard the statement.
The only thing that could have made Coyote Ugly better would have been a few ceiling fans.
Me: And when there was only one set of-
Jesus: Dude, just tell the cops there were TWO sets of footprints in the sand!
#Caturday