me eating the fries out of everyone’s bag but my own before I get home
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Good boy 😂😂
[last day at job]
“You’ve made my life a misery, I hate you all”
[remembers my car is in the garage and I need a lift]
“Not you tho Phil”
been making the same muffin recipe forever and tonight I finally remembered it by heart. I can’t express how good it felt to know exactly what to do and how disgusting they tasted because I forgot the eggs.
Every restaurant that opens around my town is like “come on by for amazing food, our hours are Wednesday to Thursday, 1pm-3pm, can’t wait to see you!”
[IKEA-themed restaurant]
Maitre-d: is your table ready yet?
Baby detective: These stab wounds here, they-
*coroner covers the body with a sheet*
Baby: OH MY GOD. THE BODY! ITS GONE! WHERE DID IT GO
I hate commas its not my job to tell you when you breathe work it out youre a grown adult
Him: This is not what I had in mind when I suggested role play
Me: [in Boba Fett helmet] Shut up and put Captain Solo in the cargo hold
Is it weird to shout “Autobots Transform” when changing sex positions? Asking for a friend.
The neighbor woke me up with his lawn mower. I’m going to sit outside and play my recorder all day.
Graduating from law school and immediately googling what can you do with a law degree
me: look, I’m just saying things have gotten really complicated, and I think we need to start over
box of plastic wrap:
“Look, when I signed up for the Marines I had no idea they might order me to do things I don’t feel like doing.”
I’m sorry but I CANNOT believe that the verified Nickelodeon TikTok posted this
The jerk store called. *removes hat* I’m afraid there’s been an accident.
Me: Just wanted to let you know I named my car after you.
Friend: That’s so sweet, but why?
Me: Because you’re also a wreck.
Her: I like the man-horsey in this film. He’s hot.
Me: Centaur.
H: What?
M: Centaur
H: Is that his name?
M: I want a divorce.
Me: [whacks huge hairy spider with rolled up newspaper] …Got it!
David Attenborough to Producer: Can we get a different camera operator please
professor x: what’s ur superpower
me: i take things literally
professor x: that’s not a superpower
me:
professor x: where’s my pen
Still my favorite television listing of all time:
My favorite adult hack is when I carefully and thoughtfully put something very important away so I can’t lose it and then I never find it again
My Boyfriend: Why are you so dramatic?
Me: (Getting eaten by a lion)
[kidnapper hands wife phone]
“brent”
BABY IM COMIN *kidnapper takes back phone but she can hear me yelling* IS THE HAM IN THE FRIDGE EXPIRED
“africanized killer bees” are trending so it’s a good time to mention that Killer Bees are literally an escaped scientific experiment gone wrong, like in the movies
You shouldn’t underestimate the number of places that you can’t put your finger after you’ve been chopping chillies.
Date: I love car chase action scenes
Me, a fruit stand vendor: I think we’re done here
I’m so poor I can’t even pay for my own consequences.
Them: “It gave me all the feelings!”
Me: “Literally just name one.”
ME: wanna sing a Christmas carol?
KIDS: YES!
ME: then go outside
Me: *digging a hole* Sorry, honey. Just following the social distancing orders.
Him: It’s six feet APART, not under.
Me: Just get in.