Ominous sub-editing fail of the day
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The transplant surgeon was almost at the hospital when he realized that home was where the heart was.
#TakeMyAdvice buy a cat that’s been preassembled
Why just pufferfish? Why not other pufferanimals?
Why not a pufferpuma?
“Human sacrifice was a bloody and barbaric tradition – but could stopping it altogether be why the rains aren’t coming?” – bronze age opinion columnist
I buy reverse osmosis filtered alkaline water for my dog and he prefers to drink out of the lake.
customer: i’ll have the barbecue chicken thighs
me: i’ll bring you the barbecue, but there’s no need for hurtful nicknames
As I sit here watching my 9y/o throw a tantrum because his homework is too hard I wonder where YouTube went wrong in raising my children.
This kid was such a psycho, I told him his food was an airplane and he willingly ate it not questioning all the living passengers aboard.
Me: I just want to swaddle you in a baby blanket and rock you to sleep.
Son: Can you just say bye to me like a normal mom?
Me: *grabs his head and rubs it like a crystal ball* the spirits say no.
When I was a kid, there were actually six oceans: The Pacific, Atlantic, Indian, Antarctic, Arctic and Billy.
*leans over sink*
*splashes face w cold water*
*stares at self in mirror**returns to couch where my niece is playing mario kart*
best of 3
How did you spend your dinner break, Jamie? Just drawing a reverse centaur so everyone can see how horrible they are
It’s not fair how teenagers today can avoid social interaction with family by staring at their phones
I had to show my contempt by grunting
Maybe if I tilt my head to the side I can understand english ~dogs
Dentists that pass out lollipops at the end of your child’s dental cleaning, are passing out little pieces of job security.
[me as an uber driver]
yeah I have a degree but this way I can also make crying in my car profitable
“His house was clearly on fire but he thought he had time to hit the snooze button just once.”
-an obituary
Me: Time heals all wounds.
Murderer: *stabbing me* Way to keep a positive attitude, but that’s probably inaccurate.
Ghost sightings are stupid. same with ufos and bigfoot. try spotting something people will actually believe. run into your buddy at the store
Wanted:
Someone to chew my food and feed me like a baby bird. No weirdos.
The lady in the spice commercial was haphazardly pouring her vanilla extract. Do you know how much vanilla extract costs, lady?
tennis balls are the only sports equipment we trust to the public. if you see a guy walking down the street with a football helmet or a 7 iron that’s suspicious as hell
Motherhood is accidentally handing the cashier some change with baby teeth in it and having to assure them that you’re also the tooth fairy and not a serial killer
Him at 1am: Wanna come over?
Me: Sure thing, sexy
-Cut to me crawling out of his TV like that girl in The Ring
What do you mean I overthink things (as I wonder if I hurt my dog’s feelings by liking cat videos on Instagram)?
[Medieval Europe]
Knight: Ready the catapult! We’ll fling one of their dead soldiers back at them.
Me *the corpse*: Don’t call it a comeback!
My dog’s dinner: premium organic grain-free no salt or sugar GM free 80% meat 20% veg
My dinner: Haribo
I’m an Obama supporter but there’s no escaping the harsh truth that Batman v Superman happened on his watch.
[driving] Goddamn pedestrians
[walking] Goddamn drivers
[both] Goddamn cyclists
Bees always go straight for your Coke can because their Mom doesn’t let them have sugary drinks at home.