[Outside court]
Reporter: How does it feel now you’ve cleared your name?
: Odd
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Me: Tie me up? That’s kinky
My Kidnapper: You’ve made this awkward now
My husband and I never take anything for granted. Which is why, after 30 years, I still consider him a flight risk.
[road trip]
Me: one more word out of you and I’ll turn this car right around!
Kid: but
Me: that’s it, BACK TO DISNEYLAND
My husband thinks it’s funny how I have nothing to wear until I pack 4 suitcases for a trip.
Microwave safe? It doesn’t seem like a sensible place to keep your valuables.
a cool magic trick woud be if a magiciam puts their hand in a hat & sombody wearin a hat in the audience sudenly feels a hand on their head
Hour 6 without sex:
(oh, you mean with someone else?)
Year 8 without sex:
ATTORNEY: my client would like to confess
ME: i sell human organs on the black market
JUDGE [who needs a kidney transplant]: tell me more
“This undercooked pasta is an absolute car crash”
What do you mean?
“It’s all denty”
She uses her boyfriends toothbrush without his knowledge and wears his underwear every day….I eat a dog biscuit ONCE and I’M the weirdo???
Son: daddy I drew a dinosaur
Me *looking at the drawing*: no you didn’t
That awkward moment when someone asks you “who do you like to listen to?” and you forget every band in history.
*narrows eyes* that sounds like something a crocodile would say
People who say “teamwork makes the dream work” are the reason that some people want to punch other people in the face.
*Showing Pet Sematary to 6yo daughter
“Anyway, this is what happens to kids who don’t learn how to spell.”
For once in my life, I’d just want to feel wanted; even if it means robbing a bank.
Wife: Please don’t tell any of your “jokes” at my work party. You’re gonna look like an idiot.
[later]
Me:
New Zealand prime minister Jacinda Ardern confirms Easter Bunny is classed as an “essential worker” but it might be “difficult for the bunny to get everywhere” in current circumstances.
Tooth fairy also confirmed as an essential worker.
wife: Don’t be an idiot
me: IT’S NOT A CHOICE, SARAH
What base is it when you’re flirting with a woman and she asks, “Are you all right?”
When people start mentioning their doctoral degrees at dinner parties I find a way to slip it into the conversation that I’ve read all 6 Harry Potter books.
{commercial for Hallmark}
This Valentine’s Day, get her that piece of paper she always wanted with words on it.
Choose a job you love and you’ll never work a day in your life, because you’ll never get that job.
[after sex]
Her: *lights up smoke*
Me: *unwraps toothpick*
Monkey: What is this amazing fruit
Other Monkey: they’re bananas
Monkey: I know I like them too but what are they called
My house is clean so please don’t eat or drink or come by or let my child come home.
[1776]
America: We want the British out[1931]
Australia: We want the British out[1947]
India: We want the British out[2020]
Britain: We want the British out
I would explain it to you but I’m all out of puppets and crayons.
My favorite pizza place burned down last night so I guess this is the beginning of my weight loss journey.