Why couldn’t the pirates play cards?
The captain was standing on the deck.
#CardPlayingDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
You Might Also Like
I hate when I’m waiting for the elevator and someone else casually walks up and presses the button to open the elevator door.
[hours after first date]
HER: *on phone* yeah i went on the date but he was creepy.
*i’m just sitting outside her bedroom window in shock*
At what point do we just ask Britney’s dad to do a conservatorship for Kanye?
Do you know who REALLY gets irony?
Skydiving schools.
Cuz you gotta drop out to graduate!
*releases mic to float down on tiny parachute*
[Zoom call]
Boss: What do you think?
Me: [going to the bathroom]
Boss: Can you hear me?
Me: [getting another beer]
Boss: I think he’s on mute.
Me: [getting chips]
Boss: Hello?
Me: sorry I was on mute
Bands who can’t afford a smoke machine should hire my girlfriend to cook at their concert
So many flashing lights and alarms on the new refrigerator. I think it might be a first responder.
Excuse me sir, your feet look very much like mice and I would like to murder them please.
~ my cats
[9pm on a Saturday night]
Apple Watch: You can still do it! Just take a brisk 20 minute walk to close your exercise ring.
Me: You know I can “forget” to charge you anytime I choose, right?
Church should be less preachy and more eat-y.
Paul Dano has his priorities and it kills me
Be nice or I’ll put you in my novel and won’t change your name
Women’s voices naturally get higher as they get excited so if you’re in bed and she still sounds like Morgan Freeman, try harder.
*car isn’t exactly where I thought I parked it*
Someone stole my car.
Wife: “You want to come upstairs?”
Me: “Hell yes!”
Wife: “I was talking to the dog.”
multitasking lunch
I’m 39 years old and I still have no idea what I would do if a kangaroo entered my bedroom in the middle of the night.
The FBI would save time on manhunts if they cross-referenced suspects with a list of people who’ve gotten married at Disney World.
Having watched me rewire a plug, the kids are looking at me with a renewed sense of wonder.
I think they’re mostly wondering how I managed to make the whole house explode like that.
Sometimes I’ll order things online & pay for handling but not shipping. I don’t want the product; I just want them to move it around a bit.
DAVID ATTENBOROUGH:
Here we see the weakest of the herd in its natural habitat.
[camera pans to me laying in bed eating cake]
I think this was a scene from “The Birds”
do not take my piercings out for my funeral or i WILL be back
Why are there never any good side effects? Just once I’d like to read a medication bottle and see “May cause extreme sexiness”.
Me: Do you have the Harry Potter audiobook?
DJ: no
[Forest]
GF: Oh god it’s a bear!Me: *Stuffs socks down front of pants*
GF: What are you doing?
Me: Making myself look big
Bear: Well hi
Murderer: *murdering me*
Me: (unconvincingly) Oh… oh no… stop… I don’t… want to be late for work
“Oh. My. God.” – the first duck to eat bread.
Them: you’re 30 and still living with your parents!?!
Me, visibly perplexed: WHO’S PARENTS AM I SUPPOSED TO LIVE WITH THEN!!?!
[describing a chair] it’s like a swing without all the drama