“Lady In Red” is my favorite song about a guy that’s trying to get laid even though he can’t remember her goddamn name.
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Kid: Where do babies come from?
Me: I’ll tell you when you’re older.
Kid: Have you seen my harmonica?
Me: So when a man and a woman…
If there’s a fine line between being too quiet and saying way too much, i’ve never found it
I’ve had worse
You’re eating Cheetos on the couch and playing a video game. Your “battle cry” isn’t striking fear into the heart of anyone but the dog.
Me: How do you guys want your steaks cooked?
Kids: Cook them so they taste like chicken nuggets.
I was winning at blackjack until the pit boss offered to exchange my chips for chips and salsa.
Why aren’t we using these t-shirt cannons for burritos?
Why my coworker hates me:
He sends meeting invite for 2pm.
I propose new time of 2:03.
He revises, sends update.
I decline meeting.
Shapewear for women, but it’s a system of pulleys and levers so you can morph into different configurations, like “sexy Chrysler Building” or “new condos going up”
Only 99 problems?
Pfft. Amateur.
Just because I am an Italian American doesn’t mean my family is in the mob….
It means we used to be.
When your parents check you’re ok.
I just went for a morning run on the beach so it’s nice to know that exercise can ruin any setting.
Breaking news:
Captain Crunch is basically an exfoliator for your mouth
I told my Mom that I was going to the Apple store and she said, “You sound like you’re 4 – it’s the grocery store”.
Just went to the water fountain at this IKEA, only to find 2 hydrogen fountains and an oxygen fountain.
I’ll never forget my 8th grade teacher. She was a 12-foot snake monster. Had 4 heads. Ate 7 desks. Killed a kid. Really made an impression.
Love that person who tells me to ‘take a drink of water’ when I’m CHOKING ON WATER.
Me: *pays $40 for tickets to the zoo*
Four-year-old: Look, a rock!
How did we decide to go with cockpit?
picture a potato but sexy
lol i just tricked u into thinking of me naked
Get in loser we’re going crying
Me: I have 7 things to tell you about your house. Number 4 may shock you.
Customer: You are the worst electrician ever.
Doing LEGO with my son is like assisting during surgery.
6yo: Flat gray piece.
Me: Here.
6: 5 square red blocks.
M: Here.
6: I said RED!
waiter: “have we decided yet sir?”
me: [after practicing saying gnocchi to myself for 15 minutes] “the margarita pizza please”
Brands during Pride
I replace all the family pictures my coworkers have on their desks with pictures of baby sloths and suddenly I need professional help?!?
Just got my results from ancestry dot com and it turns out I’m a quarter manatee.
I love you…
…r dog.