“Alex is visiting later tonight.”
Alex from work or Alex the astronaut with amazing hearing?
[From the moon] It’s not me, Thelma. Hi Bob.
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they should invent a type of situation that improves.
My 13-year-old was quietly giggling as I opened my phone, and I realized he had changed the settings so the text is significantly bigger. Not sure if I’m more annoyed that he took a jab at me for being old, or that I can actually see a lot better now.
*impatiently waits for Google Maps to update so I can see what a neighbour is building in his backyard*
God: *reading from clipboard* The snout on the elephant isn’t working so we need to replace it before release.
Angel: One step ahead of you!
God: What did you do?!
Elephant: Quack
Gf: Remember that night we had unprotected sex
Me: Yeah
Gf: I’m having twins
Me suspiciously: We only did it once why’s there two babies
For a good party trick, drill a hole in the top of your medicine cabinet and fill it with marbles before you invite people over.
Them: I’ll be your new psycho therapist since your last one passed away.
Me: I’m sorry, did you just say psychotherapist or psycho therapist?
Them: *covers scalpel with hand* the first one?
What did people do with pineapple before pizza was invented?
Fashion designers:
What do you want?Women: uniform sizing across brands.
Fashion designers:
Bwahahaha!
Aladdin is my favourite movie about lying to a girl to make her fall in love with you
Flight attendant: You’re sitting by the emergency door. Will you be able to open it if necessary?
Me, having just put lotion on my hands: *sweats profusely*
Guys, if she says “well that’s entirely up to you”… it really isn’t.
Phone
Me: OWWW *sudden commotion*
Person: What?! What’s HAPPENING?
Me: A spider bit me
P: What kind?
Me: The dead now kind.
*at a shower
Our next game is using a roll of toilet paper to dress her in a death shroud.
[friend whispers to me]
Sorry. Wedding dress.
Not everyone realizes this, but if you clean the pile of receipts out of a purse and stack them together, it makes a teeny tiny book about why you’re broke.
I sure wish my boss would accept that “new challenges” are never going to excite me. Like I majored in English solely because I already knew how to speak it
My husband pissed me off so I bought another half-dozen throw pillows for our bed.
What Swiss Army Knife attachment do I use to put those holes in cheese?
No, I don’t like nature. I can’t respect anything that would so flippantly turn dinosaurs into birds.
live, laugh, laundry.
No one lies to themself more than the person that says they’ll do the dishes after they “relax for a little bit”.
I bought “extra whitening” toothpaste and now my teeth are spending a year in Korea teaching English
Just tried a kids meal in McDonald’s. Unfortunately, her dad chased me away before I got any of her chips.
what do you mean I never take you anywhere we just took a 365 day trip around the sun
I don’t think that she is afraid of that tiny cockroach…
… I think she just need an excuse to stand on top of furniture & scream at me.
5yo: What happens when we die?
Me: People fight over your stuff
Daughter: Mommy, what’s that thing in your drawer that goes buzz buzz?
Me:
Daughter:
Me:
Daughter:
Me: GO TO YOUR ROOM!
If we just refer to ISIS as “Nickelback” maybe nobody will want to join them
*Joins sleep study to get a full night’s rest away from my kids*
9yo: What age do kids go to normal jail?
Me: I’m not sure, I guess 18?
9yo: PHEW.
Me: