Art Teacher: your drawings are due tomorrow
me: [hours later] maybe add in some grapes
police sketch artist: ..a bowl of fruit attacked you?
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Heartbreaking: Introvert sentenced to 100 hours of hanging out.
“ANYWAY” — me when I’m about to keep talking about the thing I’ve been talking about for the last ten minutes
me: “im confused, run that by me again”
doctor: “you do not need to bring your cat to the hospital, that’s just what we call the machine”
If you are feeling tired, let someone see you rip the head off a stuffed animal and eat the stuffing, and then you will have lots of time to rest.
[gets cut off in traffic]
my friend, you’ve made a very powerless & easily distracted enemy
uncle dave has been through hell
The casting of the Little Mermaid is a joke. You need someone who can hold their breath for an hour and a half at least or the movie just isn’t believable.
If you don’t speak English. I’M GOING TO REPEAT EXACTLY WHAT I JUST SAID MUCH LOUDER. In hopes that you understand.
-Everyone at my job.
[first date]
Boy: so where are you from?
Me: [points to all you can eat sign]
I live here now.
Seriously, soup?
If I wanted to drink my lunch I would go to a bar.
I heard fish is good for your brain but now I can’t get the smell out of my hair
Okay, I’ll bite, what is “the Beatles”
No YOUR addicted to correcting people’s grandma on the Twitter
I could probably survive about a week in the wilderness eating only the food I spill on my shirt any given day.
H: I’m going to the strip club tonight.
M: okay
H: That’s it, okay?
M: Sure, just remember who prepares your food.
H: What?
M: What?
If O is to Orange, and / is to Division, then Ø is to Fruit Ninja.
A water balloon fight but the balloons are filled with meaty chili
I like to move it.
But not move it move it.
Just the one move it.
Optimus Prime implies the existence of Optimus Fresh, and for a nominal monthly fee, Optimus Audible.
I’ll scaramouche, but I don’t do the Fandango for every little silhouetto of a man.
*puts on sports bra*
Well, that’s enough exercise for today…
Why aren’t these people with Ebola doing the ice bucket challenge? Don’t they want to get better?
Obi-wan: You look different.
Vader: You left me burning alive in lava with no arms and legs.
Obi-wan: I thought maybe you got a haircut.
dating coach: don’t immediately compliment a girl‘s looks that’s creepy
me: ok got it
[later]
her: hi i’m carol
me: u look like shit
It’s amazing how water drops from my shower make little faces all around.
I see Mona Lisa on the wall,
A cute Pikachu on the glass,
And my neighbor’s face in the bathroom window.
Mom: Some scary old lady keeps FaceTiming me.
Me: Mom, turn your camera around and she’ll go away.
movies be like: here is a scientist – she is world renowned, she teaches at MIT, she is 24, she is stupid hot.
so imagine going to the store.. buying rolls of plastic.. tape.. etc.. and after the cashier is done.. “anything else?” and say “oh sorry.. forgot this” and pull out dexter.. the complete series out of the cart…. when they ask how you’re paying “uhhh we’re going with cash”
Professor X: So what’s your power?
Me: I can heal immediately-
X: Oh, we already have someone that can do that.
Me: -from any emotional wounds.
X: That’s dumb. You can’t join the team.
Me: I’m completely ok with that.
[Hot Wheels cars zooming through entire house] “I SWEAR TO GOD KAREN IF YOU DISCONNECT ANY PART OF THIS TRACK I’M DIVORCING YOU”