DIRTY HARRY [points gun] Go ahead make my day
*I take him to the zoo & then the park, we have ice cream*
DH: well this has been wonderful
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to everyone who met me 5 years ago im sorry i was hacked
Saying “unwanted houseguests” is redundant. I just call them houseguests.
The Lord of the Rings is my favorite movie about how he didn’t go to Jared®️
INTERVIEWER: If Harry Potter was real, what Hogwarts house would you be in?
ME: What do you mean “if” Harry Potter was real?
[50 YEARS FROM NOW]
Homemade hand sanitizer, just like Mama used to make.
Liquidity is the only difference between soup, stew and a casserole. There, I said it.
“Give me your tired, your poor, your huddled masses yearning to breathe free. Unless they’re darker than, say, beige.”- Statue of Liberty.
me: can we discuss my crippling fear of elephants?
therapist: i’m all ears
me: *screaming*
Can’t. Busy deleting 1,500 Black Friday emails from companies I haven’t purchased anything from in 10 years.
I use a “retirement calculator” every morning before I leave for work to make sure I’m on track financially and I only have 1718 years to go
“No, no, I’m fine. This is how I live now.”
-Me laying face down on the floor
I have never bought a snack faster on name alone in my life.
“Whatever you do in bed, Sealy supports it”. Clearly whoever came up with that ad doesn’t watch CSI.
Them: You want the truth?
Me: No thanks, I’m trying to cut back.
You: Help! I’ve been shot!
Me (remembering a time I poked a hole in the side of my cup o’ noodles with a fork but held my finger over it to stop the broth from leaking while I ate): I can help.
A very annoying brain feature I have is what I call Waiting Mode. Like today, I have to leave for an MRI at 2:45. Unfortunately at 12:30 or so, my brain decided to activate Waiting Mode, which means that instead of getting anything done, I just have to sit here and wait.
*gets bitten by a radioactive bear
*before developing super powers, gets eaten by radioactive bear
Being a parent to a preteen daughter is fun bc sometimes they’re mad at you for not letting them get a phone but other times they’re even more mad at you for not…[checks notes]…letting them get a pet venomous snake
The date was going so well until he called me gorgeous and I blew a bubble out of my nose on accident.
20s: insufficient funds
30s: insufficient fun
this town’s getting on my nerves, gonna blow off some steam by doing a dance routine at the abandoned warehouse
Then: He has a woman in each port.
Now: He has a woman on each server.
Swiss cheese is cheating cheese cause there’s holes where there could be more cheese stay woke.
Walks you into the bedroom.
Stands you up straight against the wall.
*you notice the sign that says “You must be this tall to ride this guy”
If someone catches you doing something inappropriate don’t stop, just do it slowly while keeping eye contact.
One day the mailman is going to murder my whole family and my dog will be like “Ha. Who needs to quit yapping and go lay down now?”
6yr old: (screaming in terror) there’s a giant spider in the bathroom!!!!!!!!
Daddy: I’ll get it. (Runs in bathroom). Don’t worry, he’s dead now.
6yr old: YOU KILLED HIM???? (Falls to the floor, sobbing)
Corgi: why are my legs so short?
God: that’s just what legs look like.
Corgi: oh cool.
[giraffe walks by]
Corgi:
God: you weren’t supposed to see that.
Bill Nye is short for William New Year’s Eve
If you see me at a campground, that’s not me. It’s clearly a case of body snatching.