I got a weather service alert that my area is under a flash flood warning and to “take immediate action” so I bought a boat on Amazon. I don’t know I feel like they could be more specific.
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Whatisthelongbuttonatthebottomofthekeyboardfor?
Me: I bought mini cinnamon rolls
Friend: how many?
Me: I don’t know how, but they’re tiny
16: What flavour yogurt is pilot’s favourite?
I don’t know.
16: Plain.
You’re going to be such a great dad.
if humidity has a million haters, i am one of them. if humidity has 100 haters l, i am one of them. if humidity has 10 haters, i am one of them. if humidity has 1 hater, i am that hater.
Theres plenty of fish in the sea. Theres loads of trash at the dump. Theres tons of bones in a skeleton. Bugs are everywhere.
You should walk a mile in my shoes but make a U-turn at the half mile mark because I’m gonna need those shoes back.
I’m not saying I’ve been doing a lot of online shopping, but now every time our dogs bark, all three kids yell “mom, your Amazon is here.”
The inventor of the wooden spoon: this will change cooking forever
Italian Mothers: I can’t wait to hit my kids with this
Brains are sexy
Wish everyone had one
If a chimp tries to sign up for your karate class, DO NOT LET HIM! He already has the strength & the anger. Don’t give him the skills.
drive thru: can I take your order?
me: no I want it
I believe there are people on this planet who were born to get in everyone’s way at the grocery store.
Surprise your buddy by putting on clown makeup and dying in his attic.
Really Google Autocomplete? You honestly think I want to search for “hardcore poem”?
Friend: What time is it?
Me: November.
I’ve disinfected my dungeon, who’s up for some fun?
No weirdos.
First time seeing these brilliant print ads for Scrabble today. Published in Ukraine in August 2014 by ad agency Twiga.
Never trust a fireworks dealer that has all 10 fingers
Santa Claus: I bring presents to children around the world.
Easter Bunny: I bring children baskets of candy.
Tooth Fairy: I collect human teeth.
*others back away*
[heaven]
god: you have 8 more left. be careful this time ok.
cat: *licking paw* you’re the one who said sharks were fish
My entire life feels like I’m holding a small, sticky child that isn’t mine.
*puts on winter boots*
*trudges through newly fallen legos*
If you don’t believe in evolution, how do you explain corn dogs.
Obi-wan: It’s over Anakin! I have the high ground!
Anakin:*Force pushes him out of the way*
Obi-wan: Damn that completely obvious solution
[at swimming pool]
Me: I remember being 25 years old and doing front flips off the diving board with no problem
EMT: *straps me to gurney* Well sir, you’re not 25 anymore
Small ad: Discreet chicken road-crossing service. No questions asked.
After my third trip to the grocery store to buy ingredients for our ice cream maker it hit me — they sell ice cream at the grocery store.
Joggers that run early in the morning aren’t doing it for the exercise, they are just looking for dead bodies. “5am, welp time for my daily sweep for murder victims,” they say.
“How often do you floss?”
Every day
“How often do you lie?”
Every six months
Kid, texting: MOM I’M HUNGRY!
Mom: *sends food emojis*