when you google “how to get chocolate syrup” it autofills “out of carpet,” so at least I know I’m not alone
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“no one remembers the weird thing you said at that party” actually the weird thing you said has become a sacred inside joke that bonded several people at that party together forever
I would never be comfortable delivering a baby. I can’t even remove an avocado pit without dropping it.
Dress for the job you want, not the job you have. Better yet, dress for jobs that don’t even exist. Werewolf psychiatrist. Clown assassin.
HER: how was your day?
ME: you know in Die Hard when he runs barefoot over broken glass?
HER: it was that bad??
ME: oh no, it’s just a cool scene…my day was decent
No, give me the blue mittens for shoveling. The red ones are for scandal.
STEP 1: Kids decorate gingerbread house.
STEP 2: Kids leave gingerbread house unattended.
STEP 3: Enter dog.
Father’s Day Fun:
1) Walk up to a complete stranger at lunch with his family.
2) Hug him.
3) Tell him ‘Happy Father’s Day dad’!
4) Run.
My wife and I have to put drops in the cat’s eye before we go to work. Just in case you see a headline like “Couple mauled to death by two pound kitten” tomorrow
One of the kids has started shouting, “speak of the devil!” whenever I walk in the room
[Interrogation]
Cop: this guy looks like a cop if you ask me
*intercom* you need to be on this side of the mirror, Carl
I once spent some time with my grandson’s second grade class so I think I have a pretty good idea of how government works.
Level of drunkenness: fed the ATM pizza.
I’m opening an Italian restaurant for Alphas called “Testosteroni.” Who want to get in on the ground floor?
“I farms the taters…”
“…and I mashes the taters.”
i can see why people hate change, it’s heavy and jingly in your pocket, and people look at you weird when you use it to buy booze, i get it
I hate it when I change my profile status to single and the wife changes it back to married
A lot of your 30’s involves finding out that the bartender is younger than you and so is your doctor.
Kids: Dad why have you never taken us swimming
[thinking of an excuse because I can’t swim]
Me: I got killed by a shark once
Me: You just had a bath, please stay clean
My 4-year-old:
GUY WHO JUST LOVES SHARKS: Can I pet the sharks?
SHARK HANDLER (who sometimes makes bad decisions): Yeah that should be ok
friend: you should be more spontaneous
me: *opens planner* when?
Who called it inspirational posting and not chicken soup for the scroll?
I can sing all the words to the intro song of DuckTales, what’s your flex?
When the @funTweeters account RTs my tweet.
[at work]
“Mornin, Margaret.”
“Mornin. You’re late today.”
[looks at watch]
“Not as late as your dead husband though, am I?”
I’m teaching my students proper grammar by having them edit poorly written Yelp reviews. You’re welcome.
i was in target and a little kid came up to me asking if i could watch something for him while he looks for his momma and i said yes, so he handed me a half-eaten chicken nugget
Instagram: look how pretty everything is
Facebook: look how easy everything is
Twitter: look how painfully funny everything can be if you just actually look at it and be honest
Tiktok: look at how dancing everything is
A ghost appears in the room. It wants to tell me something, but won’t speak. It throws up it’s hands, as if trapped in another world.
Yeah, great. Just my luck I get haunted by a phantomime.
Dear parents of college students on Spring Break, Congrats!!! Many of you are about to be grandparents!!!